Warriors of the Wasteland (1982)

New Barbarians Nuovi Barbari
2019, I Nuovi Barbari
Metropolis 2000

Cast:

Fred "After Fist of Fear, Touch of Death no movie seems very bad..." Williamson is Nadir
Giancarlo Prente is Scorpion
George Eastman is One
Anna Kanakis is Alma
Ennio Girolami is Shadow

What the box says:

In a post-apocalyptic future, The Templars, the remnants of a radical wayward cult, roam the ruins of the world killing anyone that dares to cross their path.

Caravans and mercenaries are terrified of the cult, banding together simply to survive and make it to one more day of squalor and iniquity.

But then the Templars attack the wrong caravan, and Scorpion (Giancarlo Prente) and Nadir (Fred Williamson), two fearless vigilantes, make it their mission to stop the cult by any means necessary.

Plot:

The flaming wreckage of 2019 announces that the nuclear holocaust is over.

Some guy is searching for a radio signal. The caravan is desperately looking for any signs of civilization. Suddenly, the white jumpsuit clad shoulder-padded Templers assault them. Let the battle begin. The tide turns in favor of the Templers. Laughing General Zod ensues.

Son of Jor-el, KNEEL before ZOD!!!

A missile blows up one of the caravan cars. The Templers overrun them quickly. As General Zod, actually Mako blows up more cars. He starts hunting down the fleeing caravaners by using the lawn mower blade attached on his go cart that is at neck level. Yes, the first decapitation is in10 minutes.

Afterwards, the Templers survey the carnage and start tearing up the books they found. One, the leader of the Templers, claims that everyone is evil and must be punished by the Templers. There is no civilization left.

That night, a number of scavengers search the caravan wreckage. Scorpion pulls up he questions the mortally wounded caravan guy before removing the scavengers from this mortal coil.

Later, Scorpion pulls up to a fortress. Suddenly, he’s under fire. It turns out that one kid is attacking him. Let’s call him Q for his mechanical genius. Scorpion needs his car fixed by creepy kid, Q.

Elsewhere, the Templers attack a van. Alma and some guy escape. However, this guy is quickly finished off. Alma is being chased around when Scorpion comes to her aid. It is looking like the go carts must face the death-mobile.

Skulls make excellent hood ornamanents. However, Shadow, 2nd in command of the Templers keeps Zod from fighting Scorpion. He’ll report to One that Scorpion is still alive.

Scorpion takes Alma away.

At the Templer base, One learns about Scorpion. Shadow wants him dead. However, One wants to utterly crush Scorpion.

Zod and a few other Templers sneak off to finish Scorpion once and for all. Zod will then get rid of Shadow and One and rule the Templers.

Scorpions stops the car and starts to get a bit fresh with Alma. It turns he was only trying to patch up her wound. It turns out that Alma needs some hero lovin’.

The next day, the Templers attack Scorpion. Suddenly, Nadir shows up to save Scorpion’s bacon. Scorpion gets on the Mako-mobile. The fight is on, and he finishes the Zod impersonator. Nadir blows up some more Templers before disappearing.

Later, Nadir tracks Scorpion down. They have some sort of history. Though, Scorpion doesn’t want to acknowledge him. Nadir drops the bit of intel there is a nearby caravan where Alma could get some medical care.

Back at the Templer base One is going to punish Mako’s followers. Humanity must be erased. The funeral pyre for Mako BBQs his followers.

The caravan has picked up a radio signal and is sure there are other people nearby. Scorpion and Nadir pull up. The caravan folk will tend to Alma’s wound. Vinya, the black girl, is casting eyes at Fred “The Hammer” Williamson.

Alma is going to leave with the caravan. Scorpion won’t go with them.

The Templers ready for another battle.

Vinya dressed as slave girl Leia is getting her bio-rhythmic concentration ready for Nadir to demonstrate why he’s called the “Hammer.”

The Templers find the new caravan.

Scorpion drives off. On the road, he’s being chased. Explosions and crashes ensue. Finally, the Templers force Scorpion over. One is waiting and shoots his car’s engine.

Back at the Templer base, the synthesizer soundtrack starts pulsating as One humbles Scorpion in the old country way (According to WrestleCrap) and gets “deliveranced.” A Templer scout interrupts One’s fun by announcing a large caravan. One orders for Scorpion to be gimped and readies his gang for battle.

Templers chase the convoy with C.W. McCall.

Nadir sneaks into the Templer base to rescue Scorpion. The few Templers left are dragging Scorpion behind a dirt bike. Nadir’s dynamite arrows promptly dispatch them.

Explosive arrows will cause heads to fly but not roll.

The convoy spots the approaching Templers.

Q is fixing Scorpion’s car. Nadir can’t get Scorpion to admit he needs help.

One realizes the men who were to finish off Scorpion never returned. He has the convoy people lined up and begins philosophizing.

Q is still at work while Scorpion hones his quick draw skills. Nadir is teaching Scorpion to focus his anger. Q shows him and Nadir a clear armor that he developed.

As One continues ranting about how there is no one left. Shadow learns the Templers who were to have taken care of Scorpion were killed.

Nadir and Q open fire with their bow and slingshot. Scorpion poses dramatic and slowly walks towards the Templers.

The low budget Italian James Bond never succeeded.. One readies for his showdown. One shoots Scorpion to no avail because he’s clad in transparent body armor.

Nadir and Q keep sniping more Templers.

Shadow holds the convoy members hostage and starts shooting several of them before Scorpion finishes him off.

More dynamite arrows ensue as Nadir keeps sending more Templers to battle good in other dimensions.

Scorpion goes after One.

Scorpion is after One in a non-Deliverance way. Scorpion’s car has a phallic drill enter One’s car and impales him in a non-Brokeback Mountain way. One crashes into a hill and is BBQed.

Scorpion returns in his still oiled up transparent body armor. Nadir and Q greet him. Scorpion heads off. Nadir gets Vinya as Scorpion grabs Q’s hand.

What I say:

If the future features guys with shoulderpads in white suits (obviously after Labor Day) hunting down the rest of humanity in a post nuclear wasteland, the future doesn't look good. I must disbelieve the prophetic advice of Timbuk-3 about "the future being so bright I gotta wear shades." How could they have been wrong, so wrong? If the future was bright because of radiation sickness, that would be acceptable. But where's the 50 thou a year will buy a lot of beer"? That has been this review's pointless 80s reference...

If one thinks that Hollywood could exploit a genre better anywhere else in the world, they would be greatly WRONG. There exists a place that has run more genres into the ground far quicker than Michael Bay producing horror remakes. Italy has given the world some great things like pasta, pizza, Asia Argento to leer at has to be in the top 5, too. While Italy stole from Dawn of the Dead with the zombie genre, Conan the Barbarian gave them the barbarian movies such as Ator: the Fighting Eagle. Some truly big movies like Star Wars gave us David Hasslehoff in the sci-fi epic Star Crash, a movie that makes Dino De Laurentis's Flash Gordon seem like an actually scientifically correct movie.

However, a couple of Austrian movies Mad Max and Road Warrior gave them enough inspiration to create the post-apocalyptic genre. The post-apocalyptic wasteland where people scavenge for food and are searching for the mythical place where they will be able to live in peace from the violent gangs. Come to think of that, it sounds like Waterworld. Somehow, the phrase "Spaghetti Post Apocalyptic" genre never caught on as term. The world missed out on something truly good there.

Awww, Mako, you weren't very bright but just looking sort of like General Zod. Every movie needs the not too bright underling for the villain who continually is told not to interfere with the hero but always does and winds up getting either beaten like the henchman in a Steven Segal movie or deader than the henchman in a Steven Segal movie.

The nuclear war will eliminate all traces of coivilization and all normal names like Bill, Steve, or Sarah. In their stead we will have One, Mako, Shadow, Scorpion, and Nadir. Anyone, ever live down the block from Mako besides next to a shark tank? I should cut back on the Mako jokes because of Mako, the talented character actor who voiced Splinter on the CGI version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles died last year.

Can't think of any movie that has the hero humbled in the old country way (According to WrestleCrap) or Deliveranced save in Deliverance or Shawshank Redemption. Somehow, inbred hillbillies or the proctologically explorative prisoners just are never good things.

Scorpion is a pretty useless hero. The kid drives just as well as he does. Fred "The Hammer" Williamson is a better warrior. Scorpion just drives around and doesn't get motivated to go after the Templers until the humilition of being humbled in the old country way (According to WrestleCrap) or after being his Deliverancedness ensued. Then Fred "The Hammer" Williamson has to train him to see the "eye of the tiger" to get victory. I can only think that Fred "The Hammer" Williamson went around Scorpion was that the villains would always a target him first and that would give him a chance to Dukes of Hazzard explosive arrow the evil ones.

Fred "The Hammer" Williamson made an appearance in Fist of Fear, Touch of Death. He just shows up to rescue Scorpion. Though the expert archer may not quite be in the Richard Roundtree's Shaft category of being a "sex machine to all the chicks," Fred does give his Hammer to a woman dressed in a Princess Leia slave girl metal bikini. Ok, this movie came out the year before Return of the Jedi. I finally found something that wasn't stolen from a popular movie. In fact, a popular movie took something from Warriors of the Wasteland.

The little blonde kid would be the typical annoying kid had he not been the version of Q and a slingshot wielding Templer killer. He was in House by the Cemetery and Demons as the creepy kid version of a Kenny in the kaiju movies. Though any kid that attacks the hero just for training exercise can't be all bad.

Though George Eastman has had quite a career as a career actor even if he was in the Barbarian Brothers. If you ever watched any Italian genre movie from the 1980s, with as many post apocalyptic or horror movies, you would be sure to run across him in at least one of them. George Eastman may be better known for his forays into movies with black Emmanuelle, Laura Gemser, which gives him quite a career...

A future with extremely strange cars? Somehow, Frankenstein's car Death Race 2000 is looking more practical after seeing go-carts with lawn mower blades at head level to be used as decapitating blades. It is a shame that Death Race 2000 didn't have any cars with retractable blades to decapitate the pedestrians. Scorpion's car does sort ot resemble like the Death-mobile from National Lampoon's Animal House with more tubing and a giant dome. Somehow, in the future wastelands, people will need cars more tricked out than the Batmobile being run through a Swiss Army Knife factory.

This is a dumb movie. I will not deny the truth and admit it. This is a dumb movie...Though, watching this movie right after a truly dull movie. Warriors of the Wasteland seemed a lot more entertaining than it should have. Granted, if I had watched Road Warrior recently, it would have reminded me of the way a true post apocalyptic movie should be. It has been quite a long time since I got around to watching any post apocalytic movies let alone any good ones like Road Warrior. Wasn't there a time when Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome popped up on cable all the time? Though, I can barely keep from laughing maniacally whenever I hear Tine Turner singing "We Don't Need Another Hero" especially close to the thunderdome part of the lyrics on the radio...

Quotable Dialogue
"Books, that what caused the whole apocalypse."
"You're not such a hot driver."
"With all the Templers around, you women are getting rare."
"I enjoyed watching your little game oof war."
"I just asked her to blow your brians out."
"It's better to have no memories."
"You look like a healthy guy."
"A good fight is always exciting to me."
Morals of the Story
Villains need shoulderpads.
Dubbed in laser gun noises are truly impressive.
Go carts need flamethrowers.
Future punks need mohawks.
Cars must have non Paully Shore Bio-Domes.
Car doors are explosive.
Body armore must be transparent.