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Vampire Wars: Battle for the Universe (2005)



Joe "I'm waiting for the next Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman reunion special" Lando is Churchill
Dominic Zamprogna is Damian
Natassia "Typhoid Mary from Elektra" Malthe is Quintana
Leanne Adachi is Rosa Wong
Aaron Pearl is Roman
A.J. "Please don't bring up Wishmaster 3" Cook is Fiona
Michael "I was on SeaQuest DSV?" DeLuise is Gilles
Michael "Ham Tyler from V" Ironside is Muco

What the box says:

The year is 2210. The universe is overrun with hundreds of vampire species that prey upon humans in brutal, suprise attacks. That's when intergalactic Vampire Sanitation teams are called upon to lay waste to these vile predators.

V-San crews, who've come to know their line of work as "the toughest job you'll ever hate," are compromised of rough and rugged men, women-and in the case of the Heironymous crew- a half human-half vampiress named Quintanta (Natassia Malthe), who draws upon her psychic prowess to help the V-SANHs track their quarry.

Led by Captain Nicholas Churchill (Joe Lando) and second-in-command Damain Underwood (Dominic Zamprogna), the Heironymous team becomes the target of a deadly trap that has a much deeper and darker purpose. Directed by their vile leader Muco (Michael Ironside), the vampires have no plans of living peaceablly with humans...they want to rule the universe.


We learn that aliens are vampiric, and humanity requires Vampire Sanitation to handle things. A crew finds a base that has been slaughtered. Searching they find 4 vampires. Apparently, each strain of vampires has specific weaknesses.

The Voorhees vampires are feasting when the crew: Captain Churchill, 2nd in command Damian, Quintana, Wong, and Roman, catch the bloodsuckers. Let the bloodsucker staking ensue.

That night, on the ship, Wong and Roman are creeped out by the vampire crewwoman, Quintana in their midst. Damian is unsure he’s not good enough as a vampire slayer. Captain tries to convince him he’s good enough. They get a distress call to handle another vampire attack.

They reach the planet and are locked and loaded. They find Fiona, AKA Blondie, who sent the distress call warning that Leatherfaces were attacking. In a mine shaft, the Leatherfaces rush them. Captain Churchill stays behind for the crew to get away. Damian retreats with the others.

Later, Damian is completing the mission report. Wong and Roman blame him for Churchill’s death.

My eyes are up here...
Quintana tries to stand up for Damian but with the other crew who can’t stand her, it’s not quite a winning discussion.

At a space station, Damian learns that Wong and Roman want to transfer. He cuts their files and passports but offers to let them go after one mission if he can’t convince them he is fit to lead. Reluctantly, they agree.

They get a distress call. The crew finds the vampire and wastes it and now must contend with the parasitic vampire tapeworm strain. The worms use humans for hosts.

Can you direct me to the dinner party at the Nostromo?

Fiona Blondie and her bubby-buddies are terrorists against Earth’s imperialism as Muco (Michael Ironsides) arrives to revenge the death of his brother.

Wong tries apologizing to suck up to Damian. He realizes that Fiona Blondie was at each of the previous vampire attacks. They’re going to get her for Churchill and avoid orders.

Quintana tells Damian how her parents were turned before she was born. He explains about his court-martial, taking the blame for his captain who threw him to the wolves. Quintana wants to “relax” Damian. Let the psychic sex ensue.

I'd say that pushdown automata is my favorite finite state machine.

I'm the hero of the movie and I get to leer at Natassia Malthe? SWEET!

Later, they chase some ships and track them to an abandoned mining planet. After landing, a brief firefight results in their ship being destroyed.

A screenshot of the new videogame Nocturnal Duck Hunt.
With night approaching, they rush to the colony and find an underground tunnel first.

Quintana senses vampires before everyone sees they’re totally surrounded by vampires. Fiona Blondie takes Damian away from the crew.

She explains her environmentalism, anti-Earth colonization, and pro-vampire stance. Damian is brought to Churchill who has been converted into a vampire.

Do you have any idea how hard it is not to laugh while wearing vampire fangs?
Michael Ironsides makes another entrance and explains how he wants some human traits to improve vampires before eliminating humanity.

Churchill offers to free the crew if Damian agrees to be converted. Damian refuses. Michael Ironsides orders Churchill to kill Damian. Fiona Blondie does another environmentalist and how vampires should be better than their bloodlust, etc before the hero Michael Ironsides caps her.

Damian and Churchill are fighting.

A couple of Fiona Blondie’s buddies realize they’re in some serious trouble. They go to take the crew from the vampires. Out of sight they give Wong, Roman, and Quintana their weapons as they get to the area where Damian is fighting and manages to stake Churchill.

In the ensuing melee, Michael Ironsides grabs Roman as a hostage. Damian sneaks up behind the balding chain-mailed nosferatu and stakes him.

On a ship, the crew gets their orders to pick up a new ship. Quintana tells them about Damian’s court-martial and all is well and good…

What I say:

Our fanged friends need a little recognition in the merry month of October. Another group needs some recognition, too. When vampires are roaming around, who you gonna call? If janitors are custodial engineers, and trashmen are sanitation engineers that almost makes vampire hunters something like vampire sanitation. Vampire-removing trashmen or vampire verminators..There are vampire hunters nowhere near the quality of Adam West in American Vampire. You want quality like Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter or Vampire Hunter D. Since I'm not sure about the ending of the last Blade movie, he'll be mentioned about another category.

The 1990s started the horror movie is space trend: Jason Voorhees, the Leprechaun, everyone's metallically endowed cranium belonging to the cenobite, Pinhead, and even Dracula. However, just running around a small area and whacking people isn't much of challenge. Lets say, they can go to planets and fly to another place to terrorize. Imagine Star Trek if Captain Kirk were replaced with Freddy Freuger, he fly around in the USS Elm-terprise and hack and slash an alien planet and move off to another one for the next episode. Hopefully, he'd leave the green-skinned Orion slave girls alone.

Half-breed vampire. They wouldn't be inspired by Blade or Bloodrayne? The DVD box proclaims Quintana is a half human-vampiress. I may not be much up on genetics or mythic fictional biological genetics but if 2 vampires have a spawn. Wouldn't the spawn be 100% vampire? Yes, the idea of spending much time trying to imply logic to a direct to video vampire movie is totally useless. Well, I've written to term papers on vampires...

Natassia Malthe may best known for being Typhoid Mary in Elektra. However, she also has fallen into the Uwe Boll Bandwagon. First, she replaced Kristianna Lokken in Bloodrayne 2 battling the vampiric Billy the Kid and is also in Alone in the Dark: 2 But fear not, she also starred in the other non-Bolled video game movie of the decade: DOA: Dead or Alive. Looking hot, pouty, and beating people in movies seems to be working for her not that there's anything wrong with that...

It's good that Michael Ironside is working. Shame he has to be doing lame "Rarrrrrrrrr, I'm scary" roles. With a voice that may be just a little less gravelly as Lance Henriksen, he can do intimidating down to a T. Granted he's not as intimidating as Henriksen's vampire from Near Dark. Redneck vampire from the Confederate Navy roaming around in an RV is just a better idea than, Ironsides in chainmail and a peasant blouse that look like they was bought at a Rennaissance fair which makes him a bit harder to take believably.

The number of vampire strains is hard top believe this wasn't intended for a series or at least a sequel. This may be the first attempt to name every type of vampire from some sort of horror icon. Granted, Freddy Kreuger didn't get the acknowledgement of Jason or Leatherface. However, Voorhees, Leatherfaces, tapeworm slugs even get space nosferatur cred.... The parasitic worm vampire slug was too similar to the Alien chestburster or someone was inspired by reading too many Brian Lumley Wamphyri novels. If the slugs moved faster and possessed a busload of frat boys, it would have been too similar to Night of the Creeps.

The world has always needed some crazed environmetalist who thought humans are evil but vampires who drink blood are perfectly good. Listening to how strip mining alien planets is bad but draining blood pout of people is hunky dory is a fairly deep chasm to jump in a movie where people fly all over the universe to hunt down vampires. Kind of shame Blondie didn't try to convince them to go become vegan vampires. By the time Michael Ironsides shot her, he was a hero just getting her to shut up.

3 1/2 NINJAS

Quotable Dialogue

"Sorry, amigo, kitchen's closed."
"You try not to bite anyone."
"That was a rush!!"
"Relax me?"
"I'm proposing vampiric sex."
"For a bloodsucker..."

Morals of the Story

Vampires can walk up trees.
Vampires don't like tasers.
In space, everyone can hear surf rock.
Outer space has many of vampire trails.

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