Plot:
We learn that aliens are vampiric, and humanity requires Vampire Sanitation to handle things. A crew finds a base that
has been slaughtered. Searching they find 4 vampires. Apparently, each strain of vampires has specific weaknesses.
The Voorhees vampires are feasting when the crew: Captain Churchill, 2nd in command Damian, Quintana, Wong, and
Roman, catch the bloodsuckers. Let the bloodsucker staking ensue.
That night, on the ship, Wong and Roman are creeped out by the vampire crewwoman, Quintana in their midst. Damian
is unsure he’s not good enough as a vampire slayer. Captain tries to convince him he’s good enough. They get a distress
call to handle another vampire attack.
They reach the planet and are locked and loaded. They find Fiona, AKA Blondie, who sent the distress call warning
that Leatherfaces were attacking. In a mine shaft, the Leatherfaces rush them. Captain Churchill stays behind for the crew
to get away. Damian retreats with the others.
Later, Damian is completing the mission report. Wong and Roman blame him for Churchill’s death.
My eyes are up here...
Quintana tries to stand up for Damian but with the other crew who can’t stand her, it’s not quite a winning discussion.
At a space station, Damian learns that Wong and Roman want to transfer. He cuts their files and passports but offers
to let them go after one mission if he can’t convince them he is fit to lead. Reluctantly, they agree.
They get a distress call. The crew finds the vampire and wastes it and now must contend with the parasitic vampire
tapeworm strain. The worms use humans for hosts.
Can you direct me to the dinner party at the Nostromo?
Fiona Blondie and her bubby-buddies are terrorists against Earth’s imperialism as Muco (Michael Ironsides) arrives
to revenge the death of his brother.
Wong tries apologizing to suck up to Damian. He realizes that Fiona Blondie was at each of the previous vampire
attacks. They’re going to get her for Churchill and avoid orders.
Quintana tells Damian how her parents were turned before she was born. He explains about his court-martial, taking
the blame for his captain who threw him to the wolves. Quintana wants to “relax” Damian. Let the psychic sex ensue.
I'd say that pushdown automata is my favorite finite state machine.
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I'm the hero of the movie and I get to leer at Natassia Malthe? SWEET!
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Later, they chase some ships and track them to an abandoned mining planet. After landing, a brief firefight results in their
ship being destroyed.
A screenshot of the new videogame Nocturnal Duck Hunt.
With night approaching, they rush to the colony and find an underground tunnel first.
Quintana senses vampires before everyone sees they’re totally surrounded by vampires. Fiona Blondie takes Damian
away from the crew.
She explains her environmentalism, anti-Earth colonization, and pro-vampire stance. Damian is brought to Churchill who
has been converted into a vampire.
Do you have any idea how hard it is not to laugh while wearing vampire fangs?
Michael Ironsides makes another entrance and explains how he wants some human traits to improve vampires before
eliminating humanity.
Churchill offers to free the crew if Damian agrees to be converted. Damian refuses. Michael Ironsides orders Churchill to
kill Damian. Fiona Blondie does another environmentalist and how vampires should be better than their bloodlust, etc before
the hero Michael Ironsides caps her.
Damian and Churchill are fighting.
A couple of Fiona Blondie’s buddies realize they’re in some serious trouble. They go to take the crew from the vampires. Out
of sight they give Wong, Roman, and Quintana their weapons as they get to the area where Damian is fighting and manages to
stake Churchill.
In the ensuing melee, Michael Ironsides grabs Roman as a hostage. Damian sneaks up behind the balding chain-mailed
nosferatu and stakes him.
On a ship, the crew gets their orders to pick up a new ship. Quintana tells them about Damian’s court-martial and
all is well and good…
