This Is Not a Test (1962)

Cast:

Seamon Glass is Deputy Sheriff Dan Colter
Thayer Roberts is Jacob Elliot Saunders
Aubrey Martin is Juney
Mary Morlas is Cheryl Hudson
Michael Greene is Joe Baragi

What the box says:

The houe is late on a rural road somewhere in western United States, when a policeman forms a roadblock and stops all traffic. After some vehicles stop, he explains to everyone that there seems to be a nuclear attack underway. Time is running out and the tension within this small group of people begins to rise, as their best chance at survivng is to use a trcuk as a bomb shelter.

Plot:

Does that mean we'll have a qiuiz on this material?

A deputy gets a radio call and sets up a roadblock. He won’t let anyone pass. June and her grandpa, party girl and Joe, and trucker meet. Deputy Coulter won’t tell anyone what is going on. Another couple is stopped: Sam and Karen. Finally, Deputy Coulter starts to explain but has to catch a hitchhiker.

Coulter gets an air raid warning over the radio. He won’t let anyone leave and takes their car keys. Every city is being evacuated, and the roads are blocked. He has to keep them off the roads. Panicking people ensues. The people realize they’re close to the city and missile base.

Coulter slaps Joe around. More panicking people ensue. They decide to use the semi truck trailer as a shelter and will have to stay it for 2 weeks.

The unloading begins. Judy is hysterical and runs off into the hitchhiker, who wants his suitcase he left behind. Judy explains about the nuclear attack to Clint, the hitchhiker. He’s getting all crazy as all get out.

Coulter stops guy on a scooter. The unloading ensues. Apparently, it isn’t good enough for Coulter. The people examine the stuff out of the trailer. The good deputy dictator destroys the booze, etc…The prisoner is able to steal some food and escapes.

More pointless relationship fu with the arguing couple, etc…

Sam is on guard duty. He sees Karen sneak off with Al the trucker. Later, Karen and Al are basking in the afterglow of their late night delight.

Why Biff, I don't believe any monster will come out and attack us. Sam grabs the shotgun. He goes to them and tells them that the truck is ready but takes so much time as to not walk out and have them know he knew about what they were doing.

Back at the truck, Karen rides up in the rig with Al. They head down the road. Clint gets to the abandoned cars and can’t find any keys and starts raging at the chicken cages.

Rage Against the Chicken Crates never was big success.

Farther down the road, Coulter and the rest use mud to filter the trailer air vents. Sam shoots himself.

Gramps, June, and disposable buy run off.

At the trailer, everyone is starting to get rattled.

Gramps realizes that a nearby mineshaft has an underground spring is nearby. June and the guy head off to get some food before heading to the mine. Gramps is going to stay out and watch the blast.

Back at the trailer, Coulter realizes that one lady’s dog is breathing. He grabs and chokes it and orders everyone to be quiet to conserve oxygen. He won’t let anyone out when one of the girls rushes and lets the doors open. .

Outside, a gang pulls up. They ask for some gas to get them over the mountain. The police radio announces that it’s 3 minutes until detonation. The gang takes the women and drive off in the deputy’s car. Some get back in the trailer and lock the doors. Coulter and the prisoner are left outside. Manly dictator deputy Coulter is bawling as the blast fries him.

What I say:

This week's review suggested soundtrack is Weird Al Yankovic's Christmas at Ground Zero.

The late 1950s and early 1960s really started to hang the Sword of Damocles over moviegoer's heads. With the thoughts of mutual assured destruction and brinkmanship being put out over television and radio, it wasn't very hard to start getting terrified. Especially with it being released in 1962, the year of the Cuban Missile Crisis, it wasn't hard for people to be scared. This movie feels like an extended version of a Twillight Zone story. Unfortunately, it feels like a really bad version of one of those stories.

I'd say that most of the characters in this movie have the typical horror movie personalities. Typical according to being gravitational holes capable of sucking anything and leaving nothing in its wake. These characters have no personality whatsoever except for one MAJOR annoying trait: being annoying. After a number of 1980s horror movies, I've had to tolerate a number of those annoying people.

The movie feels like just the typical archetypes are thrown into an incoming nuclear warhead and see what happens. The fighting married couple. All the characters just seem to be the stereotypical types. The old grandfather stays behind, doesn't want to go through the upcoming apocalypse. What exactly was the point about the escaped prisoner roaming around? He could have been left out entirely without taking anything away from the story.

Deputy looks like he somehow worships at the altar of Deputy Barney Fife. Although, Barney Fife was never as gung ho as the Deputy who is "following orders," and you better obey this guy because his orders are the only thing that matter to him. The square-jawed deputy realizes that dogs breathe, so he strangles the dog for more air. If he were anymore annoying, he'd have been in Eli Roth's Cabin Fever.

Shooting a movie at night on a dirt road with just a few cars for a background can't be a huge budgeted movie. It may have cost less than Beast of Yucca Flats, Manos: the Hands of Fate, or Robot Monster. If the biggest set is a run-down miner's shack, you shouldn't be expecting much.

Quotable Dialogue
"If you leave that crazy car in the middle of the road, you're gonna get it banged up."
"That means nuclear warfare."
"It's Christmas at Macy's."
"Are you out of your nut?"
Morals of the Story
Zippers need keyrings.
Not all criminals can hotwire cars.
Strangulation is the easiest method of euthanasia.
Truck trailers can block out nuclear fallout.