Plot:
While Cartman may truly despise hippies, I am not quite that bad. However, the following paragraphs will include exclamations of joy
as hippies get whacked and go to that big folk music festival (if the Dead Milkmen are correct) in the hereafter.
The Hammer Studios equivalent of a Blacksploitation instrumental theme plays as we see the shadow of Dracula slowly grow larger around various
London landmarks. Weren’t vampires unable to be out in the sun to cast shadows?
Shouldn't Dracula get a better intro than this?
In a mansion, a bunch of Satanists are having one of their rites. Some Oriental lady is presiding over the sacrifice. They even have the
obligatory naked blonde woman for a table.
Upstairs, a hippie is having some coffee. Hanson (not the group who sang MMMMM-Bop.) is tied to bed. He is able to free himself of the
ropes. A hippie strangling ensues. Yes, hippie killing and naked women in the first 5 minutes.
Hanson creeps past several more of the dirty hippies. Unfortunately, he trips an alarm.
The hippies and the Satanists hear the alarm. The search for Hanson begins. Our hippie killing hero is almost trapped when somebody starts
blasts away at the filthy creatures. I mean the hippies. A car is able to get Hanson away.
In an infirmary, Hanson is passing information that John Porter was attending the devil worshipping.
We get a flashback with the aforementioned naked blonde table girl. They kill a rooster and start the services.
Hanson was able to take some photos of the members with his spy camera-watch.
Hanson dies. Peter Chance retrieves the film from the watch. We learn that John Porter is the head of British Intelligence and the boss of
all these agents. They need ironclad proof before revealing any of this.
Chance sends HC to develop the film and transcribe Hanson’s final report.
The Chief wants the investigation quiet. He does recommend that Inspector Murray from Scotland Yard be brought in on this case. The Chief
warns Chance is on this case unofficially. If anything goes bad, it will be all their heads.
Another montage with the funky theme plays.
Chance and Murray are briefed about the mansion where the devil worshippers attend their soirées.
We get another flashback to the devil worshippers and naked blonde table girl.
Dude, I'm so wasted...
Our agents assume the Satanists are some sort of spy ring. John Porter could dissolve the agency so they must operate on the QT. They watch
slides of several of the captains of industry who are involved. One of the slides doesn’t have anybody in it.
Later, hippies are trailing HC. Down a dead alley they break through the windshield and get her.
Murray replays Hanson’s debriefing.
The rite ensues as blonde naked table girl is stabbed.
After listening to the tape, Murray has someone he wants to bring in on the case. The renowned Professor Lorimar Van Helsing is an expert
in the fields of anthropology and the occult.
Van Helsing hears Hanson’s tape and enjoys “HMMMMMMMMMM-Bop.”
Rite ensues. Naked table girl gets up, and the wound heals.
Smoking Van Helsing ensues. He has more than an open mind than Murray and Chance. The discussion leads into cults that worship
blood. Jessica, Van Helsing’s granddaughter, arrives. After examining the photos, Van Helsing recognizes one of the satanists. The
acquaintance is a professor of biology. Van Helsing decides to try to learn more than a bunch of cops and secret agents.
Van Helsing has to sneak into the back door of Keely’s lab. One of the sheepskin jacketed hippies spies Van Helsing enter.
SCIENCE in the lab ensues. Keely is hard at work. Van Helsing pops in, and Keely is acting awfully strange for being on a very tight
deadline.
Later, the hot secretary chick, who was snatched by the dirty hippies, awakens. The door opens, and Dracula appears at more than 31
minutes into the movie. Well, Dracula wants feed Hot Secretary Chick’s Frankenstein. The vampirification ensues.
Van Helsing is still talking with Keely. He isn’t able to find any notes of the research. Keely starts rambling about evil when Van
Helsing slaps him to reality. Keely has made a new virulent strain of the Bubonic Plague, the Black Death. Van Helsing wants to know more
about the deadline unaware of the stealthy dirty hippie. He knocks out Van Helsing and takes Keely.
Dracula carries the Hot Chick away.
Van Helsing awakens to find Keely hanging from the rafters. The containers of the plague are gone.
Jessica wants to go with Chance and Murray. They make her stay behind.
Our intrepid heroes are admitted to the mansion without any trouble.
However, Jessica decides to sneak in anyways.
Chance and Murray question the Oriental Lady.
Jessica is able to get into the mansion through the cellar. Several large wooden boxes are scattered about the room. She finds Hot
Chick chained to the wall and is going to free her until spotting the secretary’s fangs. Jessica barely escapes being a snack. The coffins
start to open. The brides grab her when she stars screaming.
Murray and Chance hear and run to the basement. They find the brides fondling Jessica.
"Sure, it looks like a bunch of vampire women are trying to feast on my inner circle. Care to join in?"
She is able to escape the Sapphically minded vampire chicks.
Chance hears Hot Chick cry for help. He starts to unchain her when she decides she needs to accept a blood donation without the donor’s
permission.
Murray grabs a loose piece of wood and stakes Hot Chick. They decide to get pout of Dodge fast.
Oriental Lady calls the boss.
Murray, Chance, and Jessica are heading towards the car. The dirty hippies start chasing them. Chance guns a few of them down. Yes, random
hippie killing.
The chase continues as our heroes scale the wall to escape their pursuers.
Later, Van Helsing tells them about Keely. Our expert explains about these creatures.
They discover that a reclusive wealthy industrialist by the name of Denham funded Keely’s work.
Van Helsing explains how his family has fought Dracula for centuries. The Chief can’t believe any of this. Apparently, Porter has closed
down the intelligence agency and branded the agents as traitors.
Van Helsing tells how he killed Dracula 2 years earlier but someone brought him back using a reincarnation ritual. The church graveyard
where Dracula was buried has been built over by an office building built by Denham.
Van Helsing explains the various ways to kill vampires: silver, garlic, running water, a crown of thorns, stakes, etc…
The 23rd is the sabbat of the undead. Certain of these days are when terrible things happen. They figure that the Satanists will emerge
in power after the plague is released. Van Helsing considers the possibility that Dracula wants to kill everyone and find his peace by ending
it all. That would be the vampire’s ultimate revenge.
Murray and Jessica spy on the mansion. Chance checks back with the Chief in the car. The chief is dead. Chance quickly joins him after
being shot by the dirty hippie sniper.
Van Helsing is at work and melting down silver.
Jessica and Murray are still on watch.
Van Helsing is making silver bullets.
Still on watch, the sniper shoots at Murray and Jessica.
The first of the secret hippie army spies on their enemies who destroyed David Crosby's secret stash.
They are able to escape being pinned down. They get to the Chief’s car and find dirty hippies all over the place. Murray gets knocked out.
Van Helsing pays a visit to Denham’s office building. Normally, no one is allowed visit Denham. However, Van Helsing is allowed to do so.
Murray awakens in a cellar.
Van Helsing is greeted by the reclusive Denham. The industrialist plans to start a new political regime, and the Black Plague is the
deterrent. Van Helsing starts talking about vampires. He is able to learn that Denham is a vampire. Van Helsing whips out his crucifix
and realizes that Denham is actually Dracula.
Van Helsing draws his gun and about to bust cap in the bloodsucking monster. Suddenly, the Satanists leap to Dracula’s rescue. They
want Van Helsing to be killed now. However, Dracula wants Van Helsing to suffer more through his daughter.
Murray awakens. The Oriental Lady wants to escape. She seems to be hypnotizing him. Suckin’ face ensues. He realizes she is a
vampire. Fighting her, she gets staked in non-sexual way.
Murray gets attacked by one of the brides. He is able to force them back with makeshift cross made from 2 pieces of wood. At the
stairs, Murray spots a control for the sprinkler system. Turning it on, it burns the brides. Wet dying vampire chicks ensue.
Murray is now in the mansion. He spots Jessica in the Satanist altar room. He gets to place to hide before Dracula and Satanists bring
in the captive Van Helsing.
Dracula approaches the altar.
Murray hides in the hippie computer control room and is able to spy on the occurrences in the altar room.
Dracula begins his invocation. Jessica will be his bride. One of the Satanists has a vial of the plague.
Murray can’t get past the hippie guard.
Van Helsing argues the plague kill everyone. Dracula has his 4 Horsemen including the Nature Boy. Whooo-Hoooooooo!!!! Sorry, the 3 Satanists
and Van Helsing will fulfill Dracula’s mission. Jessica will be converted. Apparently, the Satanists didn’t realize they would be killed and thought
the plague would allow them to take over and rule the world.
Dracula is about to sample Jessica’s Grade-A jugular. He gets interrupted by a whiny Satanist who is complaining. He gets hypnotized and
breaks vial of the plague in his hand. The sucker promptly starts suffering intensely.
A hippie walks into the computer room with Murray. The dirty hippie battle begins.
The dying Satanist keeps painfully suffering.
M is able to knock the hippie into a large computer which promptly electrocutes the villainous hippie. Murray gets away.
In the altar room, the Satanists and Van Helsing are desperately keeping away from the infected guy.
The computer room explodes.
The Satanists escape.
Murray heads to the altar room.
Van Helsing has Murray get Jessica to safety.
It is Dracula versus Van Helsing. The mansion is quickly ablaze. Van Helsing must still avoid the plague carrying Satanist. Our professor
of the occult is able to break out a window and escape. Dracula quickly follows him.
Murray has gotten Jessica to safety. He rushes back to the mansion to get Van Helsing but finds the par broiled dead Satanist, instead. Murray
goes back to Jessica.
Dracula and Van Helsing are playing cat and mouse. Suddenly, Van Helsing gets an idea and calls out Dracula who is entangled in a thorn
bush. Van Helsing grabs part of rickety fence to use as a stake.
Dracula has escaped the bush but has a crown of thorns around his head. Van Helsing stakes him in a non-sexual way.
Dracula quickly decomposes into bones and finally into dust. Van Helsing picks up Dracula’s ring.
