Ninja Death 1 (1987)

Cast:

Alexander Lou is Tiger
Fei Meng

What the IMDB says:

Tiger is the owner of a brothel who moonlights as a kung fu artist under the watchful eye of "Master." They run into serious trouble when ninjas inexplicably show up and jeopordize Tiger's prostitution ring.

Plot:

Several samurai are taking a girl with a baby with them. Ninjas chase them. A samurai’s eyes are even ripped out of his skull. The ninjas surround the last samurais. The ninjas want the Princess Marie. She gives the baby to one of the samurai and will stall the ninjas.

While the princess Marie stabs herself with a dagger, the samurai gets away with the baby.

The credits roll.

On a very special After Ninja School Special... An oiled Shaolin monk versus a ninja. Suddenly, the Gold Lame Ninja appears.
The Solid Gold Lamé Ninja Hour is ready to begin... He’s fighting the Shaolin guy and the ninjas when the Destro ninja appears.

In a town, Tiger is showing that pimping ain’t easy. He has to smack around one of the johns.

Temple, the Gold Lame Ninja will reward all soon who find the one with the tattoo on his chest.

How much longer is Cobra Commander's speech? Sakura listens to her orders.

Tiger discovers that a new house of ill-repute has opened just down the street from his. Sakura is running the new establishment. She and her brother want to learn more about Tiger. They think he might be who they’re looking for…

Ninjas are stalking some guy. They attack but are promptly smacked down.

Tiger looks for his Master. Tells him of the Japanese House of the Rising Sun, the Master smacks Tiger around for worrying about something so small. He decides that Tiger is ready to begin training in the highest level of Kung Fu. Cue the training montage which includes skinning a snake, pouring blood on Tiger, and putting his pupil in a giant ice cube.

Elsewhere, the Destro ninja is angered by hearing flute music and attacks a number of fighters.

Master tells Tiger to search for a blind fortune teller and explains about ninjas and their one weakness. They are only stopped by death and there’s only one perfect place to kill ninjas. Tiger heads home.

Flashback, to Japanese feudalism and dirty ramen lovin’ ensues as ninjas slaughters a household.

Ninjas attack Master. Destro ninja attacks Master who manages to escape.

In town, Sakura tries to get Tiger to sample her wares. Tiger meets Sakura’s brother. A fight ensues and Tiger leaves.

Master gets his sword.

Flashback, we see a baby that has a symbol carved into his chest, though Tiger doesn’t have a tattoo on his chest.

Tiger’s training resumes with rope-walking. An oiled down Tiger must climb a pole. With more training and exercise, during sparring, Master still waxes Tiger.

Later, Tiger finds the blind fortune teller. Reading Tiger’s fortune, he must find a plum blossom to survive. Some girl tries to hit on Tiger but is shot down in a Bon Jovi “Blaze of Glory.”

That night, Tiger catches Sakura who sees the symbol in his chest. Flashback, Sakura is told that whoever has the plum symbol is her master. Cut back to the present day, let the dirty Shaolin pimp lovin’ ensue. Tiger awakens later and runs out to find Master.

Ninjas surround Master’s house before they attack several guys.

Tiger finds the ninjas. He tries to warn his girls but discovers they’ve all been killed. Yes, his bordello was slaughtered. Angry Shaolin pimp smack down of ninjas ensues.

A masked ninja attacks the ninjas at the Master’s house when Destro ninja flies in on a rope. Laughing maniacally, Destro ninja attacks the masked ninja who we learn is actually, Master.

I think my shoulderpads are stylish with the metal spikes. Destro is his brother? Destro is freaking out when Grand Master is playing the flute. The fight resumes before Master escapes.

Elsewhere, ninjas attack Master. A new ninja, Fujiko, appears at his side to help him. Fujiko’s father worked for the Princess Marie.

Destro ninja and the Grand Master are having girls tortured and asking if Tiger has a tattoo on his chest. They tell that Tiger doesn’t and the Grand Master has them eliminated.

Fujiko explains how he’s looking for revenge and that the Princess Marie is still alive? Tiger arrives and attacks Fujiko, Sakura’s brother. Master gets Tiger to stop and tells him everything that 40 years earlier many Japanese ninjas lived in China. Their village was destroyed and only 3 children remained: Master, the blind fortune teller, and Tiger’s father. They were raised by the Grand Master who is now evil…

TO BE CONTINUED…

What I Say

Ninja movies aren't exactly known for coherency or logic. But, who in their deranged mind wants logic in a movie with ninjas? The 1980s had a few more famous ninja movies like Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, and Ninja 3: the Domination, because Lucinda Dickey was such a fine woman in that movie..That single trilogy inspired many homages, the rise of ninjaploitation, or in simple English, ripoffs. Plenty of those completely insane ninja movies like Ninja in the Killing Field and Ninja Wars. However, Ninja Death 1 is very special in it's lack of coherency. In insanity, there's no explanation of what is going on in this movie...A true ninja movie that makes less sense than trying to comprehend quantum physics or the popularity of Pauly Shore. Some things are best left mysterious...

Supposedly, Ninja Death 1 was released in 1987. This looked like it came from at least a 4th or 5th generation copy. With as washed out as copy of this movie as I have, I was thinking it was made in the 70s. This was a very hard movie to find any information on. Since there's no credits, had to search a while before finding anything about the actors. Aside from a couple of viewer comments on Amazon, there was hardly anything about this movie.

If anyone gets angry on the way the movie, it ended. I just described the endign I saw. Granted, I'm leaving out the typical venom I'd spew for a "to be continued" ending. At least, it wasn't a "dream or was it a dream ending?" that was ran into the ground by too many 1980s horror movies. A ninja movie should have the typical ending, the evil ninjas are defeated by the good ninja and all is right with the world. That's not a Shakespearean ending but doubt Shakespeare could do a very good ninja movie..."Romeo, oh Romeo whereforth are thou Romeo, deny thy Master and crane-kick my family..." That does have a catchier hook than I thought.

If things get slow, some ninjas will pop up in a couple of minutes. After years of oh so many recent martial arts movies with all their wire-fu martial arts, it is good to find some pre-wire-fu old school kung fuin'. Aren't ninjas inherently cool enough for a movie? However, a guy in a gold lamé ninja suit, the Oriental Destro-masked ninja, and hero being a Shaolin pimp, words can't describe it's sheer true ninjalisciousness and ninjaosity without high level Calculus.

Alexander Lou played Tiger. Nomally, don't go much into details about actor's work. Though seeing his career spanned plenty of movies with either the word "Shaolin" or "Ninja." Of all his movies, the greatest movie title in the world ever has to be Mafia VS Ninja. Since, the world won't ever be graced with Pirates VS Ninja.

The dubbing is good for some chuckles. About halfway through the movie, Tiger loses his American accent and starts speaking with a low-class English accent. When you live in the South and can even tell that's a bad English accent, it is almost like Groundskeeper Willie teaching French...Bonjurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre, ya cheeze eatin' surrender monkeyzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Quotable Dialogue
"Princess...Princess...Princess"
"If you're drunk, that effects your performance."
"I just had a fight with a couple of Japanese ninjas."
"I haven't had a bath in 3 months."
"Lately, a bunch of ninjas are trying to kill me."
"This is weird..."
"Brother...Brother...Brother...Brother..."
Morals of the Story
Swords sound like clanging pipes.
Numerous feudal Japanese women are named Marie.
Ninjas love to climb trees.
Vinegar is a refreshing drink.
Ninjas spontaeously regenerate.
Ninjas run because of techno music.
Shaking your head while laughing is intimidating.