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Laserhawk (1997)


Cast:

Mark "Never escape the shame of the Star Wars Holiday Special" Hamill is Bob Sheridan
Jason James "FREE YOUR WILLIE!!!" Richter is Zach Raymond
Melissa Galianos is Cara
Gordon Currie is M.K. Ultra aka Rodney Terence Stanko
Ivan Rogers is Col. Lewis Teagarden USAF


What the box says:

Mark Hamill (The Star Wars Trilogy) and Jason James Richter (Free Willy) lead an intergalactic rebel force in this modern day sci-fi thriller.

250 million years ago, a carnivorous super species 'planted' a crop opf humans on an uninhabited planet known as Earth. Now, the alien life form has returned to harvest its yield.

With total destruction just moments away, a futuristic warrior (Richter) and a prophetic mental patient (Hamill) join forces against the creatures, but with mortal weapons no match for the superior alien technology, the duo's only hope for victory lies in finding a 250 million year-old spaceship known as teh Laserhawk. The future of the world depends on it.


Plot:

250 million years ago, Archtoids planted humans on Earth for them to grow for food. A benevolent alien race, Xenoids, battle them. In 1984, their ship, the Laserhawk, crashed. 3 aliens occupied the bodies of 3 humans.

Zach Raymond, teen, is making a sci-fi movie in his garage. Later, a local television station announces that Zach has footage of a UFO. As some are impressed by Zach’s tape, it draws attraction from other sources. A Colonel Teegarden questions him about the footage and knows the footage is fake.

The high school social evolutionary scale comes crashing down on Zach once more. Later, Zach is working when he runs into Cara, the pseudo Goth chick. She claims that Zach stole the idea from the ship from a comic book. However, he claims to have gotten it from a dream.

Later, that night, Zach spots a UFO on the road. Elsewhere, a school bus coming back from a game is lifted into the air by a UFO. The next day, the ship drops the bus.

The local police finally find the bus with no one aboard it.

Zach is convinced the UFO took the bus. Talking with Cara, they go to check the bus for themselves and find a video camera with footage of the airlift. The sheriff grabs them and is convinced they’re involved in some sort of prank. Driving back to town, the townsfolk seem to have disappeared. The UFO chases the car and eventually tractor beams it up. However, Zach and Cara manage to get out in time.

Cara explains more about the comic book that had the aliens and the UFOs in it. It turns out that Cara had the same dream as Zach about spaceships. Both of them have pieces of an amulet. They decide to search up the comic book writer. Finding him, they find a several video interviews with Mark Hamill who is a Xenoid guardian. Cara and Zach talk with Rodney, the writer. He tells how Luke Skywalker was normal guy who then starts having the Xenoid memories. Rod has the last piece of the amulet.

Zach puts the amulet together which lets the Computer generated light show, some of Xenoid alphabet, begin. The scout ship chases our trio who manage to escape. They decide to talk with Luke Skywalker at the asylum. Zach and Cara can’t talk to him because Luke was given an electro-shock treatment.

Zach, Cara, and Rodney sneak back to bust Luke out. Apparently, the message is a set of coordinates. Nothing is there, Zach realizes the ship crashed, and the military recovered it. They’ve got to get Luke to pilot the ship.

Infiltrating the base, Luke gets shot so Zach, Cara and Rodney are left. Zach is able to open the ship in the hangar when Colonel Teegarden catches them.

Zach and Cara explain how the Xenoids imprinted their minds. Colonel Wexler has Teegarden put them in the brig because, he’s convinced everything they said is absolute trash. As they’re being taken away, Cara tells them what part of the ship needs to be repaired.

Teegarden has the ship fixed and takes Zach, Cara, and Rodney taken out. Our illustrious trio preps the ship for takeoff. In space, the Aractoid fleet approaches. Let he space battle ensue. Everything starts looking good until, the see the mothership approaching from behind the moon. As they’re being tractor-beamed into in, Zach rigs the ships self-destruct mechanism to blow up the mothership. Launching it as a missile, they get out of the mothership before it explodes.

Let the celebration ensue when some blue light creatures tell Zach about another planet that needs help. The illustrious trio head off…


What I say:

Imagine if you will taking the special effects and script from an original Sci-Fi Channel movie, crossed with the "boy who cried wolf." At least, Laserhawk is still slightly more watchable than the aforementioned idea. The young teen as a hero at least isn't as annoying as the one in Adventures of Young Van Helsing: Quest for the Lost Scepter. How he survived when the whale from Free Willy landed on him on the deleted ending is the great mystery?

Carnivorous aliens plant genetic material on planets and allow humans to evolve on Earth before feasting on their newest universal food sensation. Funny, how that idea sounds so similar to Bad Taste. However, it is movie concerned with with an elite task force designed to stop the human-devouring aliens. However, Laserhawk is almost the wish-fulfillment type thing where the loser has to stand up to save everything.

A teenager capable of flying spacecraft to avoid enemy fighters to save planets? Why does that sound familiar? It is almost as if Luke Skywalker is handling things. Speaking of Luke Skywalker...What can be said when your movie can only afford Mark Hamill for a couple of scenes unlike Slipstream? By this time, he lasted longer in Guyver, as the federal agent that turned into the giant bug. Hamill just ranted for half his scenes about everything,

Laserhawk...Millennium Falcon... Laserhawk...Millennium Falcon... Laserhawk...Millennium Falcon...No similarities in those names... That was this week's subtle attempt at sarcasm. With a ship that looks sort of like the one from Flight of the Navigator, it is given the starship battle from Independence Day crossed with the final battle in Last Starfighter.

Typical movie teen heroes rising to overcome unspeakable odds have them losing their outsider status. Our heroes didn't seem that concerned after their parents got taken for a meal by the spider aliens. That little plot point seemed to have disappeared pretty quickly. Nice to know faking UFO footage is so impressive to an entire town who thinks you could have phasered out fo existence. Nice to know the military will automatically turn any UFO over to anyone who tells them to fix the ship they need to geta new hose for it.



3 NINJAS

Quotable Dialogue

"You floss his teeth with your cleats."
"I'm likee X-Man and Captain Kirk Jr all rolled up into one."
"Screw you and the UFO you rode in on."
"Fast food on a cosmis scale."
"He's a zombie, you quack."
"Telly Savalas with hair."
"We are human spam!"
"My apologies, Commander."
"George Jetson gets the payoff!"


Morals of the Story

All archnid extraterrestrial aliens love to feast on humans.
Plaid shorts are stylish.
Xtro 2 was a marquee drawing movie.
Comic book writers typically get $50,000 advances for single issues.
Frogs are squishy.
Styrofoam is what should humanity be judged upon.
Most military bases have numerous UN vehicles.


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