In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale (2007)

Dungeon Siege
Dungeon Siege: In the Name of the King
In the Name of the Father: A Dungeon Siege Tale
In the Name of the King

Cast:

Jason "Ghosts of Mars somehow doesn't seem such a bad movie now..." Statham is Farmer
Leelee Sobieski is Muriella
John "I battled killer babboons in In the Shadow of Kilimanjaro" Rhys-Davies is Merick
Ron "Hellboy" Perlman is Norick
Claire "Don't hold the Toby Keith movie, Beer For my Horses against me..." Forlani is Solana
Kristanna "I've got too much skill to star in anything past the 1st Bloodrayne.." Loken is Elora
Matthew "Zoinks, I'm Shaggy!!" Lillard is Duke Fallow
Will "I starred in House of the Dead?" Sanderson is Bastian
Ray "There is No Escape from this movie" Liotta is Gallian
Burt "This here's the Bandit calling Smokey Bear..." Reynolds is King Konreid

What the box says:

Based on the best-selling action-fantasy game and filled with spectacular visual effects, this epic tale of heroism, courage, and destiny is brought to life by an all-star cast: Jason Stratham (War), Leelee Sobieski (Joy Ride), John Rhys-Davies (The Lord of the Rings Trilogy), Ron Perlman (Hellboy), Claire Forlani (TV's CSI:NY), Matthew Lillard (Scream), Ray Liotta (Wild Hogs), and Burt Reynolds (The Longest Yard).

When a bloodthristy legion of half-man/half-beast Krugs rampages through his village, one man picks up a sword and undertakes a quest of vengeance...and honor. Haunted by the memory of his son's death and the kidnapping of his wife (Forlani) by the Krugs, Farmer (Stratham) ignites a duty-call for others to join his crusade to stop the campaign of terror waged by an evil sorceror (Liotta) whose ruthless quest for the crown could spell doom for the entire Kingdom.

Plot:

Jason Statham (sorry but a farmer named Farmer is just hard to be credible) is working his field when his old friend, Norick stops by for a visit...The next day, Statham's wife, Solana, and son, Zeph, head to the village.

Elsewhere, KING BURT REYNOLDS learns from his soldiers that the Krugs (well, they look like Orcs) are starting to arm.

Hey, Snowman this is Bandit, any smokies on your tale?

Back at the farm, Statham's spider sense kicks in before the Krugs attack him. He dispatches them and helps Norick. They rush to the village.

Solana spots the approaching Krugs in a distance and is able to sound the local bell to warn everyone.

The princess is practicing sword fighting.

Krugs are rampaging through the village when Statham and Norick arrive. Some of the Krugs escape and take Solana with them. Elsewhere, Gallian, evil wizard, is controlling the Krugs. The Krugs go after Solana's parents and chase Zeph. However, before retreating the village, the Krugs kill Zeph.

Statham finds Zeph's body and buries him. No one in the village found Solana. So Statham holds hope that she may still be alive. KING BURT REYNOLDS rides up with some of his soldiers asking for volunteers to join the army.

I'm only holding onto the crown until Elvis, th Once and Future King returns... Statham isn't exactly a big fan of government defense since they didn't do much good for his boy.

Statham, Norick, and Bastion (Solana's brother) head out on their own to find the Krugs.

KING BURT REYNOLDS stops back at the castle and visits his nephew, Duke Fallow (Matthew Lillard). The good king is sick and tired of Fallow's attitude and throws him out. Later, Fallow pays a visit to Gallian to help remove the king sooner. Fallow apologizes to the king who rescinds his earlier banishment.

Statham, Bastion, and Norick reach the Sedgwick Forest. Roots grab them before the tree elves appear from hiding.

KING BURT REYNOLDS has some kind of seizure. Fallow collapses. Gallian poisoned the king's food and gives the cure to Fallow.

Merick, the magus, rushes back to the castle. The army splits up. Apparently Fallow has run off with the army.

Anybody remember their keys? Merick learns his daughter was tricked into powering Gallian.

The tree elves take Statham, Norick, and Bastion to the edge of the forest.

KING BURT REYNOLDS is being tended by Merick and told about how it was Fallow's plan. The good king plans to attack the Krugs

Statham, Norick, and Bastion are caught by the Krugs. Norick and Bastion are left with Solana. The Ray Liotta remote-controlling Krugs decide to hang Statham. Merick finds Statham.

Muriella rides off from the castle.

Merick takes Statham to KING BURT REYNOLDS. Both are told that Statham is long lost son assumed to be dead.

Fallow claims to the King's army that Tarish is the traitor who killed the king. Oddly enough, that doesn’t work out too good when KING BURT REYNOLDS rides up and claims Fallow is. That gets all the men rejoining KING BURT REYNOLDS. It is Fallow and the Krugs versus KING BURT REYNOLDS army.

No one is going to remember I was in movies like Scream. Fallow escapes after finally lands an arrow in KING BURT REYNOLDS.

Fallow heads back to the castle but goes through the Tree Elves Forest who promptly catch him and hand him off to Muriella.

Anybody loose their Shaggy?

Norick and Bastion, plan an escape from the Krugs. Solana manages to get away.

At the Kings tent, he talks with Statham and realizes he really is his lost son before dying.

The army sees Muriella bring in Fallow. Tarish wants to duel with Fallow. In the middle of the fight, KING BURT REYNOLDS death is announced.

The Middle Ages had good toothpaste for anyone to have such white teeth... Fallow claims the throne before Merick announces that Statham is KING BURT REYNOLD'S long lost son.

All these incidents are making Gallian happy. Solana is captured, and he senses Statham is on her. He also senses she's pregnant again.

At KING BURT REYNOLD'S pyre, Statham plans to kill Gallian. Muriella, Merick and the incredibly hot Tree Elf Chick want to join the strike force to sneak into Gallian's fortress and dispatch with him.

The army attacks the fortress as a distraction.

Merick goes in to distract Gallian.

My career is as still as good as it was before Goodfellas It breaks into a swordfight where the magi just throw swords around with their minds and talking to each other. Finally, Gallian mortally wounds Merick. Muriella comes to her father's side. He gives her the last of his power.

The army is still attacking outside.

Statham reaches Gallian. Let the final sword fight ensue. Things are close to be fair and balanced until Gallian starts using his magic. Muriella rushes in and stabs Gallian before Statham gets the final thrust.

What I say:

After last week's review of Resident Evil:Apocalypse, I hope that my Ten of fans would cry out for another video game movie review. It had taken some time to get around to watching In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale which has to be one of the clumsiest movie titles wielded.

One of the new reviewer habits is to blast is the video game movie genre. While plenty of video game movies aren't going to be known for being high art, thought-provoking, or triumphs of the human heart. To many, In the Name of the King: a Dungeon Siege Tale has another a black mark against it. Uwe Boll: the man, the myth, the B-movie director. William Castle is known for his showman style gimmicks for movies in the 1950s and 1960s. If Uwe Boll would have theater gimmicks, he'd be the recinarnation of William Castle with the learned knowledge of German tax codes. In a few short years, he has almost became some sort of patron saint of bad movies or by most people as the patron saint of directing bad video game movies. Most of his video game movies that have hit IMDB's bottom 10 list at some point including his magnum opus: House of the Dead.

This has to be one of the greatest actor lists for a single movie. It isn't for greatest actors butany B-movie with such a list of recognizable actors is almost impossible to believe. For the last few years, Jason Statham has slowly becoming the newest action movie star we have from the Transporter movies to the Crank movies. Ron Perlman, Ray Liotta, and Burt Reynolds as a king. Let that last sentence worm through your skull and bore into the brain. KING BURT REYNOLDS...KING BURT REYNOLDS...The Bandit from Smokey and the Bandit as a king...That thought may be the only thing that can really bring a smile on a terrible day when you have a flat tire.

If off the deep end is a term of compliment for an actor, Ray Liotta deserves it. I've been trying to think of anyone who hammed up the villain, the evil wizard into high gear like Mr Liotta. If he were much more hamming it, the ghost of Vincent Price would tell him to turn it down to ELEVEN. Liotta's hamming is one thing, however, Matthew Lillard is in the land of annoying more than he usually is.

Basically, take all the cliches from "Dragonlance" novels and retread them ought to get you a good idea of how things are. Evil wizard controlling the Orcs (technically whatever Krugs are). Put much thought and you can really see how much got homaged from Lord of the Rings. Attacking the kingdom. Long lost king's heir. Epic siege battle. Elves that think they're better than everyone else. Check. Where was the lost ring of power?

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale movie seems more of a rip-off of a Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings than anything else. How much of a rip-off? It is similar enough to Lord of the Rings enough to even have John Rhys-Davies in it, too. He doesn't seem to have a very good a survival rating unless he's a dwarf or hanging around with Indiana Jones in the movie. Once again, I reviewing a video game movie about a video game I've never played. Well, that is only common with practically every other video game movie I reviewed: Final Fantasy: Spirits Within, Parasite Eve, Resident Evil, and Resident Evil: Apocalypse.

The idea of a more than 2 hour Uwe Boll movie was exciting. Most reviewers had already torn Boll apart as if he were the 2nd coming of Ed Wood with a generous dash of Arch Hall Sr thrown in for good measure. By, the time I finally had seen House of the Dead, I had been insultated by a plenty of bad and B-movies. The best thing to say is this movie is better than any of the Sci-Fi Channel (never accept their phonetically disturbed new name that sounds identical to the old one) original movies. Bad giant killer shark movies with the main character who is someone with a career that fell after one guest appearance on an Aaron Spelling drama of the 1990s isn't exactly a gold star.

Quotable Dialogue
"It's those big ones that are always the toughest."
"It might behoove you to learn a little respect."
"I cannot stand the suffering rule of that senile goat."
"Nah, I didn't like the uniforms."
"You'll find it's not so easy to kill a king."
"My girlish stupidity has damaged him."
"They fight like dogs."
"Wisdom is our hammer. Prudence is our nail."
"Gouge evil from its shell."
Morals of the Story
Farmers carry boomerangs.
Burt Reynolds should a be a king.
John Rhys-Davies has a better chance of survivng movies when he's a dwarf.
Burying should be done as fast as possible.
Tree elves are Amazons.
Telekinetic swordfights are cool.
Catapults are good people transports.