House of the Dead (2003)

Cast:

Jonathan Cherry is Rudy
Tyrone Leitso is Simon
Clint "Ron Howard's less famous brother from Wraith" Howard is Salish
Ona Grauer is Alicia
Ellie Cornell is Jordan Casper
Jurgen "I prefered Elizabeth Hurley in Kill Cruise" Prochnow is Captain Victor Kirk

What the box says:

It's spring break and college kids just want to party. When they charter a boat to take them to a rave on a nearby island, they find it completely deserted, except for the bloodthirsty zombies that have taken it over. A frantic search begins for weapons to use against the encroaching killers because, as nighttime falls, they realize that their only hope for survival is to win the final battle...in the House of the Dead.

Plot:

Rudy is sitting, pondering of those who died, and why he came to this island: for a rave.

As the credits roll, video game shots begin.

The movie is flashback. Greg and Simon are waiting for the other disposables to get to dock for the boat to take them to the rave on the island. We get a few facts about the cast and some pointless relationship details. Cynthia is the dumb blonde going out with Greg. Karma thinks she’s Foxy Brown, unfortunately, I’m guessing the rapper not the Pam Grier version. Simon is the brain-dead, shallow underwear model. Alicia is Rudy’s ex-girlfriend who is an expert fencer with swords not hurricane fences…

On the island, the world’s greatest SEGA sponsored rave is going on.

The lunchmeat, I mean the characters, try to charter a boat from Clint Howard, Salish.

Can I be your Salty Dog? The captain of the Lazarus, Captain Kirk, refuses to go the Isle De La Morte. In the span of 30 seconds, Jurgen Prochnow is insulted by reminded of being in the far better Das Boot and the lame Captain Kirk jokes begin.

Salish is worried about going to the island. The harbor patrol or marine patrol has been watching Captain Kirk very closely. Apparently, the reason everyone hangs around Simon is he forks over $1000 to pay Kirk to take them to the island.

Back on the island, Matt and his ever-willing-to-doff-her-top chick decides to take a swim. Matt realizes the water is too cold for him. Well, he watches her swim around.

The marine patrol boat is following Kirk. Agent Casper is hell-bent on nailing Captain Kirk and not in the William Shatner love him and leave them way. She wants him behind bars.

Lame seasick gag ensues when one guy barfs on Cynthia. Oh, joy, Roman showers less than 15 minutes into the movie.

Back on the island, topless chick is calling for Matt. Something bubbly is under her. They’re ripping off Jaws. Great underwater zombies, shouldn’t they be fighting sharks? Matt has dozed off on the beach. In the 30 seconds, it takes topless chick to swim back to the beach. Somehow, Matt has vanished.

Salish gives the topless Cynthia a crucifix to protect her. Well, she doesn’t see to be bothered with being topless next to Clint Howard.

Well, topless chick is now got her goodies covered. She is searching for Matt but stumbles across an ancient cemetery and a large mausoleum. Zombies get her as the camera pans away from island. Video game footage ensues.

The boats head closer towards Isle De La Morte.

The zombies get a couple about to partake in nookie.

Kirk’s ship approaches a shallow inlet.

The marine patrol is on the other side of the island. Casper goes ashore leaving MacGuyvers behind with orders not to call for back-up.

The lunchmeat gets ashore. Kirk wants to hide the merchandise ashore so Casper can’t bust them.

The lunchmeat passes over a bog on a rickety bridge without and rails. Video game footage ensues.

Kirk is still unloading as a storm approaches. If things go bad, the kids will be on their own. Kirk will throw them to the wolves.

Lunchmeat gets to the rave. An abandoned rave doesn’t really bother any of the people. The partaking of the liquor begins.

Salish is hard at work to hide the merchandise.

Alicia decides to look for the other ravers. Karma and Simon decide to go with her. Greg and strumpet are left alone.

Salish hears a noise. The zombies promptly devour him like Leon’s peanut butter sandwich.

Cynthia the strumpet and Greg are about to go at it like immoral wombats except Greggie has to drain the lizard first. Video game footage ensues.

Alicia and her group of scoobies are still searching.

Kirk is on the boat and calls for Salish who doesn’t answer. He immediately gets a gun.

The strumpet needs to be rocked like a hurricane in the vernacular of the Scorpions. Unfortunately, the tent is overrun with zombies that kill her. I’m considering it was unfortunate for the tent not the vapid strumpet.

Alicia and the others find an ancient house. They reluctantly enter and find Rudy, zombie-expert guy (anyone who mentions George Romero is automatically a zombie expert), and Liberty the Asian girl. They are shown footages from the rave when the zombies attacked. They need a way off the island. Alicia’s group mentions their boat. However, they’ve got to get their friends from the rave as they head out. Video game footage ensues.

Swimming zombies crawl and attempt to lay siege to Kirk’s boat. He gives each of them a lead transfusion.

The kids and Casper trod to Kirks’ boat. They head over the bog when the zombies attack. Techno music assaults us the zombies chase our disposable heroes.

They get to the inlet and call for Kirk who isn’t aboard. Simon jumps in the water and swims to the boat unaware of the zombies. Casper is able to pop a few of the living dead that are after Simon.

Liberty goes all Shaolin on a zombie in her patriotic unitard.

Kirk is gunning down zombies, too. In the melee, Kirk is bit and not in a good way.

Simon gets back ashore.

Casper decides to go back to her boat and takes Greg with her.

Simon’s wound is patched. Everyone decides to accept the logical solution that zombies are after them. Kirk reveals the back story of the island. A crazy Spanish priest is exiled because of his diabolical experiments. He killed the crew of the ship and set ashore on this island and enslaved the natives. Everyone who set foot on the island was killed.

Casper and Greg are attacked by zombies. Somehow, they are split apart. Greg hides in a scene that looks plagiarized from Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

Garak shouldn't be impersonating a Ring Wraith in this movie. Casper lives up to the motto of “better living through superior firepower.”

Greg trudges on after the heat is off but is killed by zombies.

Casper is on her own.

The disposable heroes try to decide what to do. They can’t stay in the open. Decide to go to the house. Kirk reveals his cache of weapons when Casper returns. Her marine patrol boat is destroyed. Kirk passes out the guns.

We get the weapons preparation scene. Video game footage ensues.

Mere words can’t describe the insanity of this next scene. You must watch it for yourself…

This is probably the best scene before the completely insane battle scene...

The disposable heroes start mowing down the zombies as video game footage randomly pops up. Matrix time bullet shot is revisited. The rap metal soundtrack blares. A Matrix time axe fight ensues. Gratuitous violence continues. They get to the door of the house. The door is locked…

In the confusion, the zombies kill Liberty. Goodbye kung fu mistress wearing a red, white, and blue unitard…

We get the Dummies Guide to Last Gunfight in which footage we saw 2 minutes ago is crammed into 30 seconds.

Rudy and Casper go to the side of the house to try to get inside. Casper is able to cap another zombie.

The disposable heroes are still trapped outside and running out of ammo as Rudy climbs into the house.

The zombies almost get Casper when Rudy drags her to safety. However, she dies from something.

The raver zombies rush the disposable heroes when Captain Kirk wields his machete upon them.

Everyone gets in and Kirk is dragged to safety. He’s placed on a table so Rudy can bandage him.

Simon is all angsty from having a scar on his face. I’d be more worried about turning into a zombie after being bitten. The survivors spot the zombies drag the zombie corpses away. Kirk is getting worse. Alicia finds the ship log that tells the story about Castillo Serrano who killed the crew and escaped just like the legend. While the college kids are searching the house, they find a lab filled with dead zombies.

Kirk hears someone whistle outside, and its Clint Howard. Kirk caps his friend to keep him from remaining a zombie. Rudy rushes outside and finds Kirk who is swarmed with zombies. He lights a stick of dynamite to blow them up. Unfortunately, he does it a little too close to the house which makes it zombie accessible.

Rudy and the rest find barrels of gunpowder. Can you say plot point? Back in the lab, they accidentally reanimate the zombie by spilling blood on them. The girls and Rudy head out. Simon stays back to blow the gunpowder.

Rudy, Alicia, and Karma get into the tunnel under the house. Let the video game footage ensue until they run out of ammo. The zombies get Karma. Suddenly, Rudy and Alicia are saved by Greg? He leads them to a lab and unfaces. It is Castillo who gloats about how he created a formula for immortality and that he was killed. Over the centuries, he’s had to sew on new body parts.

Rudy uses a grenade to blow the lab. He and Alicia are able to escape. Castillo runs after them with a sword. This is where Alicia’s fencing ability comes in handy. Rudy gets knocked out. Castillo mortally stabs Alicia. Rudy gets up and manages to decapitate Castillo whose body starts to choke him. The dying Alicia squashes Castillo’s head which stops the body.

Later, a helicopter lands. Feds find Rudy and a wounded Alicia. Rudy reveals his name is Rudolph Curien. As the take off, Rudy’s narration reveals he reanimated Alicia and is unsure of what he brought back as they approach the city.

What I say:

There's a George Jones song called "Who's Gonna Fill Their Shoes?" Decades ago, Ed Wood, Coleman Francis, and others were recognized as the worst directors. Today, we have Albert Pyun. Are there any other infamous directors of B-movies? Charles Band, I think turned his hat in and is trying to go the Roger Corman producer route. Uwe Boll has generated far more publicity than could be imagined. He seems to be toting himself as the chosen director. In past few years, the man has become synonmous with video game movies, more than those moives but bad video-game movies. In Ed Wood fashion (however, not a woman's sweater), he apparently doesn't realize everyone thinks they're awful.

This is another of my infamous Dead-Letter reviews I had thought would never get finished like Backyard Dogs. However, it has managed to make me want to review ever the DVD quit on my computer years ago. The big question is "will this movie stand the test of time"? House of the Dead had been on the IMDB bottom 10 for quite a while but has risen to the 40s by now. This is definitely one of the more popular newer movies popping up a number of B-movie review sites. Crappy zombies, Uwe Boll who is only a couple of steps from being a one-dimensional person quite an accomplishment for any movie director. He seems almost to a cartoon version of a B-movie director.

Not knowing anything about the "House of the Dead" games, I didn't know this movie is actually intended to be a prequel to the games. The movie sequel, House of the Dead 2, was zombies loose on a college campus which sounds like one of the Return of the Living Dead 4 or 5 movies which is subnamed Rave to the Grave. Won't hear things like this much but just stick with Resident Evil. At least, it has Milla Jovovich to leer at rather than unnameable random chicks.

House of the Dead isn't the first of the video game movies to bomb. Honestly, most of them have fallen the way of Double Dragon, Van Damme's Streetfighter or the recent Max Payne. House of the Dead is the first of Uwe-Boll-busters classics. However, Uwe Boll seems convinced to be cornering the market with Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, the Dungeon Siege, and quite an impressive list of the games that shouldn't be made into movies.

Has any movie managed to drive certain camera effects into the ground more than House of the Dead? I can't think of any movie that loved Matrix bullet time angle than House of the Dead. Well, slow motion flashbacks to scenes that only happened 45 seconds earlier was run into the ground with this movie, too. Incorporating or randomly peppering the movie with footage from the video game the movie is based on just doesn't quite seem like that great of an idea. Well, it would have worked in the Super Mario Brother movie.

If your movie is going to pay homage to better movies, rip-off from the best like the swimming scene from the intro to Jaws. I have to guess the swimming zombies is Zombie 2. If only, if only, Uwe Boll had a zombie versus a shark fight...We can dream...We can only dream...

While I was supposed to relate to the brain dread party kids, I related more to Jurgen Prochnow. He hears a noise and gets a gun ready. I may be one of the most tragically unhip white guys to ever live. However, even I seem to recall raves are normally populated with more than a couple dozen of frat guys and sorority chicks and if a 6 year-old birthday party at MacDonald's seems more like a rave. That is far more understandible than going to a party finding everyone gone and deciding to have a few drinks rather than deciding if you being the only people at the "biggest rave of the year" you should stay..

What do I say about a movie that reminds me of Piñata Survival Island ? At first, I couldn't quite believe the similarities. Ensign Harry Kim was in it. We have Clint Howard who had a role in an episode of Star Trek and the pointless Captain Kirk jokes. Even Clint's character's name, Salish was from an epsiode of classic Trek. I looked it up in one of Star Trek reference books. Quit laughing, I bought it back in high school.

Has there ever been any good movie that starts at the beginning telling you everyone died and flashbacks to let you see all the misery? The flashback at the very beginning which allows to know that all these people will be worm chow by the end of the movie is going to make the charcters death more profound....Bwa-ha-hhhhhhhha...Almost got the sentence typed with the maniacal laughter..

For a while, contemporary horror movies(AKA crappy horror movies) seemed to be embarrassed to admit their main purposes are to show some T & A with a little blood. House of the Dead may not admit it but they heap on the vapid topless chicks. These are some of the most bland characters I've seen in any movie. I couldn't tell them apart. To be most honest, I just didn't care to keep them apart. At least, these characters aren't as annoying as the ones in Cabin Fever.

It may look like I'm trying to tear this movie apart. However, I'm not. I've heard from other reviews that consider how dull and terrible House of the Dead is. For bad movies, I've seen far worse movies. Have to think of House of the Dead as a b-movie more for every other reason than true badness. Yes, it does have it's flaws for a B-movie. Is the acting good? Well, the acting level would make Turkish actors on the level of Sir Laurence Olivier. The plot is so inane that it could kill the undead zombie from Lucio Fulci's House By the Cemetery. Every B-movie fan has certain movies they love that other people look at you like you're deranged for enjoying. Brainiac and Howard the Duck come to mind.

As much as I've said about what is wrong with it, House of the Dead sort of transcends its flaws and forms like the B-Movie equivalent of a quantum singularity. This is one of those so-bad-it's-good movies which is a terrible definition. It doesn't break the ONE LAW of movies for me. Is House of the Dead a dumb movie? YES. Is it a stupid movie? HELL YEAH! It is dumber than Paris Hilton in a graduate level physics class. INDEED!!! However, this movie still doesn't break the ONE LAW. It isn't boring. And just a movie being non-dull can atone for many, many things.

Quotable Dialogue
"And now all that remains is the rotten smell of death."
"Karma thinks she is Foxy Brown."
"No cap'n, we must not go there! It's evillllllllllllllll !!!"
"Does that make him, Mr. Spock?"
"Well, you're obviously no cartographer."
"This is so not a good idea."
Morals of the Story
College students love raves that resemble bad Spring campus concerts.
Vomitting on dumb blondes is hilarious.
Topless blondes love to flaunt their goodies in front of Clint Howard.
Spanish priests were commonly exiled off the coast of Washigton state.
Pistols can transform into assualt rifles.
All old books can be helpful when surrounded by hordes of zombies.
Asian girls are instinctively martial arts masters.