Giant Spider Invasion (1975)

Invasion of the Giant Spiders

Cast:

Steve Brodie is Dr. J.R. Vance
Barbara "Perry Mason's secretary" Hale is Dr. Jenny Langer
Alan "I'll be Skipper to your little buddy.." Hale Jr. is Sheriff Jeff Jones
Robert Easton is Dan Kester
Leslie Parrish is Ev Kester

What the IMDB says:

A black hole hits North Wisconsin and opens a door to other dimensions. Giant 50 foot spiders emerge from it, who have an appetite for human flesh! Dr. Jenny Langer and Dr. Vance from the NASA try to save the world.

Plot:

Dave visits with Sheriff Skipper (when Alan Hale Jr. isn’t wearing a skipper’s hat but refers to people as “Little Buddy” that’s good enough…) Dave stops by to pick up his girlfriend, Terry. Ev, her sister, who is trying to become the first organic alcoholic disposal unit almost, throws herself at Dave. Terry and Dave head out.

Ev and Dan, her husband, see a meteor crash. The winds get violent. Dan calls it a night and will check on things in the morning.

Woman, I rekkon yu better fix me sum bicsuits...

The sheriff keeps getting calls about cars and radios breaking down.

Professor, why not use a coconut?

I'm counting the nanoseconds until the Perry Mason TV-movies start. Dr. Langer gets some strange results and sends them to NASA who sends the eminent Dr. JR Vance to Northern Wisconsin. He assumes Langer is at best related before she reveals she sent the data. They discuss the strange results.

Dan and Ev search the fields and find several mutilated cows. Redneck Dan decides to butcher the meet and sell it to the local diner. They find a number of unique rocks around the field. Dan manages to break one of them and finds crystals. Testing, they cut glass so Dan has found diamonds. He misses the spider that emerges from one of the rocks.

The spiders start crawling all over the house. While Dan is out in the fields, he buries a human body. Redneck Dan doesn’t want the Sheriff to know about the diamonds or the wacky tobaccy they’ve been growing.

Ev calls it a night. The spiders awaken her. She runs outside where the giant spider gets her. Elsewhere, Dan pays a visit to the local rock shop run by his cousin, Billy. The diamonds he found are of the industrial quality.

Dan gets back to the farm. He starts hitting on Terri. He’ll give her a diamond if she is nice to him. Sheriff pulls up to see if anyone had heard or seen the missing guy (the dead guy Dan buried).

A chopper is flying over the area trying to find any trace of the unusual incidents in the area. Langer and Vance examine the photos and start throwing phrases like “black holes” with Einstein’s General Theory of Relativity.

Dan is digging up more rocks when the giant spider gets him.

Little did he know that saying "How 'bout this heat?" would be the last time he ever would. Billie stops by the farm. He tries convincing Terri to be nice to him. She shoots hit down. Billie leaves. The giant spider attacks his car. Billie crashes into a gas station, cue the explosion.

Spiders attack Terri in the house that is suddenly completely webbed up.

I don't think an exterminator would be of much help right now.. The giant spider is on the house. Dave pulls up and shoots with a rifle and manages to rescue Terri. The giant spider heads off into the woods and almost runs over Dr. Langer and Vance. They manage to escape.

Langer, Vance, and the Sheriff try to decide what to do. Our scientists decide the best way to kill the spider is to starve the energy pattern with neutrons.

A rampaging group decides to hunt down the spider. The giant spider wanders off to a nearby town’s festival, cue the stock footage.

That night, Vance and Langer stumble across a body. The mob is ready when the Sheriff tries to calm them down to no avail.

The giant spider reaches the city. Let the panicking townsfolk ensue.

The chopper is approaching with the neutron weapon. Vance plans to have it dropped on the spider. Giant Spider versus Sheriff Skipper. The spider has skipper-burger for dinner.

Signaling the chopper, the weapon is dropped on the spider. Flaming giant spider ensues with piles of goop. Langer and Vance stagger off.

What I say:

Spiders have always gotten a bad reputation because of how so many people are creeped out by them. While some have been truly scary like Arachnaphobia or at least entertaining like 8 Legged Freaks, the 1950s and 1960s weren't necessarily known for spider-friendly movie beyond B-movie quality like Earth Versus the Spider. The 1970s started to do more with spiders including several TV-movies and the infamous Giant Spider Invasion.

What does it say when such a movie as Night of the Lepus is a superior to a movie? At least, Night of the Lepus may have used forced perspective effects that were 20 years out off date at that point. However, they' didn't put grasshoppers on a postcard ala Beginning of the End. The chief effect is a Volkswagon beetle that is furred over and given legs to be the giant spider. A Volkswagon bug with legs to make it look like a giant spider. Today, we get crappy digital monsters. Where are the directors who have the ability to do something like that today?

Tried counting how many times Day and Night shots were confused, I lost count after 7 times when night became day then became night again in the course of a few minutes in the course of the movie. With day and night shots being alternated so badly, at least, there were no 10 minute spots that were so dark, Matt Murdock would have had a better shot of seeing than you.

Could we tell this was made in the 1970s? We have a scientist that automatically assumes any woman at most is related to an astronomer. Normally, it would be a scientist with an androgynous sounding name like "Pat" in the 1950s.

Comic book fans debate how certain characters would handle if they had to fight each other. However, this movie gives us a far more interesting battle. How would the Skipper from Gilligan's Island fight a 50 foot tall spider? Practically everything from the noble sheriff was answering the phone and telling people they need to call the fix-it shop or mechanic. Kind of hard to believe the first thing Alan Hale Jr. says is "Hi, Little Buddy." Normally, we don't have many movies that pretty much do everything they can to hint this actor was in "this" series.

Monster movies or giant bug (or arachnid) movies aren't known for logic. However, a black hole contained in a meteorite crashing into Wisconsin and being a portal for super spiders is even a jump in logic Evel Knievel couldn't jump with a rocket cycle. When part of the script throws around Einstein's General Theory of Relativity, black holes and alien spiders, you'd have a better time explaining practical adaptations of Turing machines after creating a perpetual energy generator.

Quotable Dialogue
"HI! LITTLE BUDDY!!"
"You're so dumb you don't know rabbit turds from Rice Krispies."
"You've got that limberger sheese smile."
"I'm 35, 24, 35."
"We'll try to get the preacher to exercise them."
"We've got a 50 foot spider."
"You ever seen that movie, Jaws? Well, this makes the shark look like a goldfish."
Morals of the Story
Red longjohns are stylish.
Tarantulas come from outer space.
Bloody Maries are tastier with spider seasoning.
Inadvertent Tarantula Smoothies are the tastiest.
Steam irons are a great way to squash spiders.
Crashing cars will always explode.
Spiders hatch from geodes.
Giant spiders resemble Volkswagon Bugs covered in fur.