Freeway (1996)

Cast:

Keifer "I'm one of the Lost Boys" Sutherlund is Bob Wolverton
Reese "Legally Blonde" Witherspoon is Vanessa Lutz
Brooke "Battling the power of the crazy Top Gun" Shields is Mimi Wolverton
Amanda Plummer is Ramona Lutz
Michael T. "I'm the Pretender just not a great one..." Weiss is Larry

What the box says:

Keifer Sutherland (A Time to Kill) and Reese Witherspoon set off on a trip through a weird world of fast food, faster kicks and one darkly funny adventure after another in this film the Sundance Film Festival Guide calls "A unique and galvanizing experience!"

Plot:

For the most part, I'm just going to go by the actor's real names and am also going to try to inject more pathetic attempts at humor my plot description.

A functionally illiterate Reese Witherspoon ensues. This is to demonstrate the lowing morass of education into a society that awards the mere thought of intelligence as stigmata far worse than the movie that had Winona Ryder. Back to Freeway Reese celebrates by getting her tonsils probed by her boyfriend, Chopper.

Ramona, Reese’s mother, is trying to befriend the lonely of the streets by being slightly more subtle than screaming about “rove you rong time…” Well, Reese can stand her mother slightly more than her creepy step-father, Larry. Granted that isn’t saying much either.

A news report announces that the freeway killer has struck again by murdering 2 prostitutes. Larry isn’t bothered by the news. He'd rather get him a little illegal blonde than wait for her to become legal.

Outside, the cops bust Ramona. The cops check the apartment and find Larry trying to get his cruel intentions out on Reese. The cops are going to take Reese from her mom and perverted step-father. Child services will take care of her.

When Mrs. Sheets from Child Services arrives; Reese tries to convince her to let her stay with her grandmother. Reese handcuffs Mrs. Sheets to the bed and drives away.

Reese finds Chopper. However, he can’t go with her and has to stay for a court appearance. Chopper gives her his gun to sell for some money. After she drives away, some gang bangers drive up and cap the piece-less Chopper. This is to convey the emasculation when you give away your piece or maybe a really bad attempt at irony.

On the freeway, Reese’s car overheats. While she’s trying to fix it, a jeep pulls up and out pops Keifer Sutherland. He offers her a ride.

The therapist, Keifer, engages Reese is some pseudo-therapy fu. She finally starts talking about her mom, foster care, etc…Keifer is continually trying to psycho-analyze himself into her pants. Reese talks about how Larry started molesting her. Keifer has a new powerful therapy technique to try. After a couple of questions, Reese is completely furious and wants him to let her out.

Keifer slaps her around. Reese figures out that Keifer is the freeway killer. The good therapist is eliminating the “dregs” of society like her. Well, Reese whips out her piece. Suddenly, Keifer is all nice and pleading for his life.

Reese isn’t a very good shot but repeatedly caps him for good measure. Keifer waddles about so she has to give him a few more ounces of a lead transfusion. Taking his wallet, she leaves.

In a restaurant, she cleans up.

While, Keifer stumbles into a hospital emergency room, the cops promptly arrest Reese. As the cops question Keifer to get an ID on Reese. The cops talk to Keifer’s wife, Brooke Shields. Well, the always pleasant star of the Blue Lagoon demands that Reese be tried as an adult and locked in a small hole before being executed.

Later, the cops question Reese. She tells them about how Keifer is the I-5 killer. Good cop, bad cop interrogation ensues.

In court, a hideously disfigured Keifer Sutherland ensues.

Reading Battlefield Earth can raise my consciousness to a new level? The prosecutor wants Reese tried as an adult.

County lockup, Reese meets the crazy Rhonda who opposes heterozygous relationships. Some gang comes for Reese who smacks the leader, Cheetah, down. Catfight…The guards finally trank Reese and put her in solitary confinement. She starts trying to MacGuyver a way to escape.

The psychological evaluation of Reese is she’s dangerous, sociopathic, etc...

A news report has Keifer and Brooke Shields rage against the evil of Reese.

Reese is returned back to the general population. She shows Rhonda the shiv she made…Rhonda tries to worm her way into Reese’s inner circle to no avail…

In the courtroom, the prosecutor convinces the judge to try Reese as an adult.

The cops question one of Reese’s friends. One of the cops just has a hunch that things aren’t like they appear. Heading back to the crime scene, he finds a severed ponytail.

Reese, Cheetah, and several other girls are being taken to another jail. They stop at a gas station for a bathroom break. Reese starts her non-Steve McQueen Great Escape. They get the drop on the woman guard and take care of the other guards. All the prisoners drive off in the prison van.

Reese goes with Cheetah. Her boyfriend gets the girls some clothes rather than the typical orange jumpsuit fashions…

The cops pay a visit to Keifer’s house with a search warrant. They open a storage shed chock full of nasty porn and remains. This puts an APB on Keifer. Brooke runs upstairs and blows her brains out. He pulls up and sees the cops and drives off.

Reese is offering to offer guys a “real good time.” She whips out a gun, robs the guy, and locks him in the car trunk.

Keifer is a restaurant before he heads after Reese’s grandmother.

The cops are heading on to Reese’s grandmother place…

Reese reaches the trailer park before the cops do.

Reese finally finds the trailer. Let the creepy music play. Reese finds grandma lying in bed. Suddenly she realizes it is Keifer. The struggle before Reese stomps a mud hole in Keifer.

The cops head for the trailer.

Reese chokes Keifer when the cops find dead Keifer and Reese’s dead grandmother.

Reese asks for a smoke which causes the cops to chuckle.

What I say:

This review's recommended soundtrack is Sam Sham and the Pharoahs' "Little Red Riding Hood" and of course, Aretha Franklin's "Freeway of Love."

From some people, they may think that some actresses are would be the greatest since sliced bread if actors were whole grain products but that would mean they actually weighed more than an anorexic jellyfish with a gum disorder. Reese Witherspoon falls into the category of celebrities of her doing so many "Chick flicks." Needless to say, sideorderofninjas (got to refer to myself in the royal 3rd person) has so little interest in those kind of movies an electroscope would be needed to see my interest in those films. I never really thought of Reese as extremely talented and hot.... She isn't the "BE ALL END ALL" like so many others proclaim her to be. Frankly, I haven't hardly any of her movies that were impressive. Granted, I'd like to hear people who think all she does is cute fluffy chick flicks and then watch Freeway. The colorful metaphors fly fast and furious even without race cars....

First off, Oliver Stone was a producer for this movie. Now don't hold that against this movie...I'm sure that will have people understanding how this movie seems similar to Natural Born Killers. And frankly, I thought that was one of the worst pieces of garbage I ever channel surfed through... Freeway doesn't have the hallucingenic stupidity of that other movie which has my utter contempt and disgust that condemns that movie into a pit with Massacre and Moulin Rouge.

Almost 20 minutes is just Keifer Sutherland befriending Reese before threatening her. Yes, we know what is happening. Still to take that much time to set up before the grabber isn't done very often. Normally, thrillers or even horror movies have maybe a buildup of 5 minutes before getting to the action. Even that much can seem like a long time, consider the opening scene from Scream. Anticipation is sometimes an artform.

At least, Reese isn't the helpless damsel in distress. Foul-mouthed, anti-social, violent teen girl is much closer to the truth. Reese lacks the hotness and charm of Rose McGowan in Devil in the Flesh. Little Miss Legally Blkonde gets the drop on Keifer Sutherland and caps him though not to the Ol Yeller-fashion of say Tommy Kirk would have done. However, not being quite that good a shot does backfire on her in the future. The final battle has her beating the fire out of the hideously disfigured Keifer.

Keifer is awfully good at portraying someone sleazy. Whether, he's that good or just already know he's the boogieman (without the facepaint and worms...) from his attitude is the question. Nowadays, people think of Keifer from 24. In the mid-90s, he was better mainly remembered for Lost Boys or one of the bullies in Stand By Me.

For all intents and purposes, these movie cops are pretty useless. They're about 5 steps behind when they're on top of their game. Wouldn't searching the scene where a guy was shot turn up Reese's ponytail which would have validated her story far sooner than except 5 minutes before the end of the movie?

A girl travelling a long distance to get to her grandmother's house and encounters a B. Wolverton who stalks her. The Big Bad Wolverton eventually disguises himself as the girl's grandmother. Why does that sound familiar? It sounds like a fairy tale like "Cinderella." Sorry, how could I resist such a feeble attempt at humor. Yes, a very black humored version of Little Red Riding Hood with serial killers, gangbangers, crack hos, Southern California version of trailer trash, and an insane Brooke Shields. In fact, Freeway has a sequel, Freeway 2: Confessions of a Trickbaby, that does its fractured fairy tale version of Hansel and Gretel.

The director of Freeway also directed Shrunken Heads and Dark Angel: the Ascent. That is quite a range. Shrunken Heads is one of my favorite underrated Full Moon movies and plan to review it at some point if I dig out my VHS copy of it.... The Dark Angel: the Ascent which has nothing to do with uber-watchable Jessica Alba, is about an escaped demoness trying to make the world a better place by going around eliminating malefactors and having the uber-hot Angela Featherstone having an obligatory love scene...Sorry, easily distracted...

Point to Ponder
How can you have any movie with a chick in prison segment without any hot Sapphic shower scene? I feel so betrayed...

Quotable Dialogue
"You look like a speedy gal to me..."
"I make her use mouthwash after."
"I do got trauma, huh?"
"Go for it, Bob."
"I felt like had been transformed into a human urinal."
"You see where bad manners get you?"
"You wanna get shot a whole bunch of times?"
"What you're not gonna speak to me, Mr. Oink Man?"
"Keep your pants where they are, Mr. Dirty Mouth!"
Morals of the Story
Keifer Sutherland is a terrible therapist.
Getting shot in the head is a mild inconvience.
Prisoners love to play frisbee.
A pencil makes a good shiv.
Prisoners are routinely allowed bathroom breaks in gas stations.
Severed hair is automatic evidence.