Plot:
Harlan warns of monsters. He is the host of the only radio station and more paranoid than Fox Mulder.
A truck loses a barrel that falls into a pond. Joshua collects some bugs from the creek unaware of the toxic waste oozing into
the water.
Mike, a kid, stops by to visit Joshua who runs a spider ranch. The spiders have been getting bigger almost doubling in size in a
couple of weeks. Joshua shows off several species of spiders: trapdoor, orb, etc…One spider has escaped its cage. Mike
leaves. The spider attacks Joshua, flailing about he knocks over more glass cages of spiders.
One week later, a bus lets Chris McCormick off. He stops at the mines that have been run by his Aunt Gladys.
Mike stops by the pond. Deputy Pete is dragging out the barrel. Sheriff Sam, the oh-so-hot Kari Wuhrer, grounds his for hanging
out at Joshua’s spider farm. Never mind the guy is slightly less pale and creepy than Michael Jackson.
Sam takes Mike off. She pulls over some dirt bikes. Ticketing them, she finds out her daughter, Ashley, the utterly babelicsious
Scarlett Johansson, is with them.
That night, Mike tires calling Joshua to no avail. The guy has become the first spider snack.
At a town meeting, the mayor, Wade, tries convincing everyone to sell their property for some corporate deal. When Chris
McCormick appears, he refuses to sell the lands. Wade provokes Chris accusing him of believing the ramblings on his insane father
who died shortly before Chris left. Well, one doesn’t mock David Arquette, the former WCW world heavyweight champion, without
a beat down.
Deputy’s house, his cat is hiding in the wall when something gets it. Something is strong enough to push the cat into the drywall
to leave an impression of the cat.
In the morning, Aunt Gladys tries to convince Chris to reveal why he broke Sam’s husband nose and left 10 years ago.
Deputy Pete calls Sam about his cat. Mike overhears the conversation. He sneaks out to tell Joshua about it.
Chris pulls up. Sam gives Ashley “protection”: a stun gun. How long will it be before it is used? Chris tries talking to Sam and
is slightly more awkward than the last girl I tried asking out on a date. He will meet her later and explain things to her then.
At the spider ranch, Mike finds the placed webbed up and a trail leading to the abandoned mines.
Chris has the miners look for the new vein. He warns them about all the methane in the tunnels. I wonder how important that will be.
Chris gives Mike a ride to town. Mike explains about how the spiders have grown.
Back at the mines, the spiders get one guy.
Mike sneaks back into his room but is caught by Sam. She thinks his stories of spiders are from too much TV.
Wade has been storing toxic waste in the mines. Bret, his stepson and boyfriend of Ashley, heads out. Wade hears a noise and
checks and finds the severed remains of several of his ostriches.
Radio Harlan rambles on about missing pets and proctologically affectionate aliens.
Bret tries putting the movies on Ashley. The “you would if you love me” speech is used. Ashley does use the stun gun to a part
of Bret that causes severe man pain. She drives his truck off and is mad that her mother was right about him.
Bret spots a flock of giant spiders coming over the hill. He runs to his friends who don’t listen until it’s too late. Bret dirt bikes off
as the giant jumping spiders cull the ranks of idiot teen dirt bikers. A semi smashes a couple of them when they go across the
road. However, the semi also knocks down the telephone line.
More paranoid radio Harlan ensues.
Aunt Gladys searches for her dog in the basement. Finding the collar, she is promptly encased in a sticky cocoon in a non-Wilford
Brimley fashion. Chris looks for her to no avail and then finds evidence of the giant spiders’ existence.
Chris shows Mike the spider leg. The kid being a super genius is able to calculate the size of the spider. Sam isn’t sure of what
is going on.
Showered Scarlett Johansson ensued without audience leering.
Mike explains how the male orb weavers keep their prey alive.
A spider comes after the towel-clad Scarlett Johansson. The utterly babeliscious one is encased in a sticky substance. She screams
which brings Chris, Sam from the other part of the house. As Chris tries to free her and gets himself encased. Sheriff Sam brings out
the firepower. A shotgun wielding Kari Wuhrer ensues.
Sam calls for Deputy Pete.
Bret heads for the mines and finds the webbed miners.
Pete is loaded for bearing bringing all the guns at the sheriff’s office. The spiders follow the resident Barney Fife. He gets to the
sheriff’s house.
No Ron Jeremy jokes will be tolerated.
They head to the car and realize that the spiders are after them in hot pursuit
(Huhhh-coooooooooooooo-cooooooooooooo-coooooooooooo, sorry got to let out the Sheriff Roscoe P. Coltrane,
Dukes of
Hazzard joke.) They decide to use Harlan’s radio station to0 warn everyone about the spiders.
Sheriff Sam gets on the air. The townsfolk think that Harlan is just rambling again. A giant tarantula attacks the radio trailer. The
spiders finally attack the town to let the panic ensue.
Everyone heads for the most fortified structure in town: the mall. The security gate keeps the spiders out. Mike tries explaining the
giant spiders to the disbelieving townsfolk. Chris and Harlan get a cell phone and will use it to call for help though they must climb the
antenna on top of the mall to get the necessary reception.
The townsfolk arm themselves with anything available at the mall: crossbows, etc…
Chris and Harlan get to the roof. As Chris tries calling for help, Rambo Doug E. Doug ensues.
Ashley spots Wade sneak off as the tarantula breaks the gate down. Sam learns that Wade snuck off into the mines. The spiders
swarm the mall. Let the battle begin.
Even Jason Vorhees realized the giant spiders would kill all humanity and that was not to be allowed if he were to kill everyone
himself.
Everyone heads to the basement and learn that Wade locked the gate, too.
Back on the roof, Harlan decides to lure the spiders away from Chris. He falls off the roof right beside Deputy Chainsaw Pete. Chris
gets into the mall vent system.
Bret finds Wade in the mines. The spiders grab the crooked politician Wade.
Sam finds Chris.
Bret unlocks the gate so everyone can get into the mines. Spider shoot ensues. In the mines, they find the webbed people including
Wade.
The spiders flood into the mines. Chris is going to look for his Aunt Gladys. He’s got an idea to stop the spiders. Before he can
explain why he left town and loved Sam, she reveals she knew all about it all along.
Chris finds Gladys and the gold vein his father had been searching for, too, as the spiders approach.
Sam can’t get the generator to start until Ashley hands her the taser. The lights come in the mine that ignites the methane which
causes flaming spiders to ensue.
The explosion destroys the mine as the cops, and fire trucks arrive along with Harlan and Pete.
Harlan finishes the story how Chris reopened the mines, etc…
