As a high school band is playing, the crowd heads for the bleachers…Some of them are carrying Nazi flags, too? It is opening day of the race. The Transatlantic Road Race is about to begin.
Junior Bruce, a newscaster covering the race is announcing the contestants. Calamity Jane in a car with a bull motif including horns pulls up to the starting line.
Grace Pander, another reporter, is awaiting the arrival of Frankenstein, the favorite to win. He is wheeled in and rises from the gurney, just finished last minute surgery to repair him for the race.
I'm here to pick up my blind date, Jenny...
Matilda the Hun and her navigator Herman the German arrive at the starting line. This is apparently the hope of the Nazi fans in the audience.
Frankenstein has yet to meet his navigator, Annie.
Nero the Hero with his buxomly navigator Cleopatra the Cleavage are in the Lion car at the starting line.
Frankenstein doesn’t seem that happy with Annie.
Machine gun Joe arrives. He’s being heckled by a legion of Frankenstein fans easily identified by wearing a black t-shirt with the letter F on it. Machine Gun pulls out a Tommy gun to hose down the Frankenstein fans. Someone must have switched his ammo with blanks, no one killed by him, yet…Frankenstein pulls up in his car as Junior sings his praises. The race will be started by Mr. President in the Summer Palace in Beijing. He starts a short speech about how he’s protected America since the World Crash of 1979 and starts the race.
Harold, the Howard Cosell impersonator, explains the route of the race how it started in New York with the first night stop in St. Louis and second stop in Albuquerque, and how the race ends in New LA. None of the racers have scored any points yet. They try to drive each other off the road before taking different routes….
The rebels led by Thomasina Paine are watching Mr. President’s speech. The rebels want to act now. Annie is Thomasina’s granddaughter. She is part of plan to capture Frankenstein.
Annie talks Frankenstein into taking his mask off. He warns her how disfigured he is but, she isn’t scared by the visage of David Carradine.
Machine gun Joe is on the road and spots some road workers. Most of them escape but Machine Gun gets a kill and the first score of the Race.
Back to Frankenstein, he has her readjust the engine while he is driving.
Harold, bad Howard Cosell, goes over the point value differences for this race. Women are 10 points. Toddlers, anyone under 12, are 75 points. Teenagers are 40 points. Seniors over 75 are worth a whopping 100 points.
A bullfighter flags down Calamity Jane. She tries running him over and misses him as he keeps twirling his red cape. Finally, she manages to gore him with one of the horns of her car.
Elderly people are being wheeled out onto the street. It’s Euthanasia Day at the geriatric hospital. Frankenstein sees the elderly on the street he turns off the road and flattens the doctors and horses who wheeled them on the road.
Thomasina believes Annie will capture Frankenstein. The rebels ignore her orders and continue their efforts to sabotage the race.
Nero needs points to catch up with everybody else. He spots a family having picnic. He is urged to go after the baby whom the family leaves behind escaping from Nero’s car. The plastic baby explodes as Nero runs over it. This was a rebel trap.
Another race newscast, Grace interviews the widow of the first victim who won a large prize package. Thomasina and her rebels jam the broadcast and transmit their own message. She talks how the fight against Mr. President has begun. Americans will no longer live under a repressive regime. But, they must fight for their own rights, too. The racers hear the broadcast.
Annie asks Frankenstein about the broadcast. He isn’t worried, more determined to win the race.
A couple of rebels have set up a barricade to stop a racer and hide behind it. Unfortunately for them, they hide on the wrong side and are gunned down by Matilda. The racers are getting closer to the first pit stop in St. Louis.
A couple of guys are putting up a banner welcoming Frankenstein which angers Machine Gun Joe. Come to think of it almost everything angers Sly in this movie.
The cars are being polished and most of the racers and navigators are being given nude massages. Of course, they’re being interviewed while this is going on. We do have a nice naked confrontation between Calamity Jane and Matilda the Hun. They are also told not to mention that Nero was killed by the rebels. Frankenstein arrives watching Annie who is with Machine Gun Joe. Frankenstein hits on Joe’s navigator and leaves.
Frankenstein meets with one of his fans: Lorrie. The fan club has chosen her. The fans love Frankenstein and will do anything for him.
Annie finds that Frankenstein is in her room. He apologizes when Annie tells how she gave Joe a bad route. Frankenstein takes off his jump suit but leaves his mask on. Have you ever wanted to see an underwear-clad David Carradine wearing a leather mask dance with towel clad blonde? Guess what? Frankenstein lovin’ doth ensue.
The next day, the Deacon of the Bipartisan Party delivers a blessing to the Racers. Frankenstein drops one of his gloves. The race starts with Machine Gun Joe in the lead. Frankenstein runs over the Deacon which we learn that the points count for killing race officials. Guess what? Machine Gun Joe is pretty irate about it.
The Frankenstein Fan Club is waiting along the road. Lorrie is waiting when Frankenstein runs over her. Annie doesn’t understand why she did it. Because, Lorrie loved the leather clad David Carradine.
The rebels set another trap but are killed. Machine Gun Joe is trying to decide about taking the route Annie suggested. He knows it’s a trap but takes it nonetheless.
On the open road, Annie convinces Frankenstein to run over some people, political prisoners. Thomasina is readying the last part of her plan to capture Frankenstein and have an imposter deliver a message to Mr. President for terms of Frankenstein’s release. Well, Annie and Frankenstein pull up. He manages to escape the trap but runs over the imposter in the melee.
Machine Gun Joe is fuming about falling for such a trap.
Frankenstein is trying to figure out who knew the route they were taking. He has Annie drive for a while.
Machine Gun Joe is raging by this point and runs over a fly fishing Frankenstein fan. Don’t you love the alliteration?
Calamity’s navigator is fixing the car, lying on the road. When Matilda passes by and kills him. Calamity Jane is in hot pursuit to avenge losing her navigator to her arch-enemy. Matilda seems to be pulling ahead. The rebels set up a detour sign and a fake tunnel entrance which leads off the side of a cliff. I was hoping for them to paint a tunnel on the side of the road like in the RoadRunner cartoons. Matilda falls for the trap. Mein Auto is KAPUT…Calamity Jane doesn’t fall for the trap.
The newscasters deny the death of Matilda the Hun.
Annie is still driving. They see a boy rolling a tire down the road. Annie “accidentally” misses him. Frankenstein has her stop so he can drive again. He demands to know who she is. Annie reveals she is the granddaughter of Thomasina Paine. The plan was to capture Frankenstein and use him as a hostage to have Mr. President end the race.
In Albuquerque, the news has acknowledged the death of Matilda. The Racers want protection. Frankenstein is being questioned apart from the other racers and Annie. Machine Gun Joe throws another tantrum. When the government agents question who chose to take the road which had the trap on it. Frankenstein claims he did, covering for Annie.
In a press conference, Mr. President claims the villainous French are to blame not American rebels. He accuses France and its European allies for ruining America’s economy.
Annie checks on Frankenstein’s car when Machine Gun Joe finds her. He’s angry enough to strangle her until Frankenstein arrives to save the day. You know all the movies where Sly could beat big tougher guys than him. This isn’t one of those movies. David Carradine waxes the floor with Sly. This had to be what got him beating sides of beef and becoming the Italian Stallion.
In Annie’s bedroom, Frankenstein demands answers. He was trained to be the best driver. Lovin’ ensues again.
The next day, the racers prepare for the final leg of the race to New LA. Calamity Jane wishes Frankenstein luck and even Machine Gun Joe. The race is on once more for the last time.
Rebels are setting up a land mine. Motorcycle driving rebels get inside Calamity Jane’s car. She manages to get them out and begins trying to chase after the rebels. The rebels are wiped out and she barely misses the landmine. Well, Calamity Jane backs over it and the end of Calamity Jane.
Back in Frankenstein’s car, Annie gets him a drink. He manages to drug it. The rebels are tracking Frankenstein. By this time, Annie passes out. A plane demands Frankenstein to surrender but he keeps going. Rebels think Annie is dead. Machine Gun Joe sees this from a distance and executes the better part of valor by getting away before they go after him. Frankenstein manages to avoid the falling bombs. A car suddenly appears but wipes out almost after chasing him. Frankenstein has shrapnel wound. He heads for a tight ravine which the plane crashes.
Annie awakens. Frankenstein tells her of the sleeping pill he gave her. He has a mission: win the race. Annie tries driving the car off a cliff and, he pulls to the side. He asks for her help and reveals his right hand is hand grenade. Yes, you can see the grenade in the palm of his hand. The winner of the race shakes Mr. President’s hand. Frankenstein will get rid of him once and for all.
Machine Gun Joe and Frankenstein had to New LA and the finish line. Frankenstein is catching up but can’t get around him. Annie uses the hand grenade tossing it in Machine Gun Joe’s car. Well, no more Machine Gun Joe.
Frankenstein pulls into New LA. As he leaves the car and walks up the podium where Mr. President is waiting, Frankenstein has a small knife in one hand. Thomasina shoots Frankenstein. Mr. President unmasks Frankenstein, it is Annie. But where’s the real Frankenstein? He guns the car the runs over Mr. President.
Automatically, the crowd is cheering for Frankenstein killing Mr. President. Later, Frankenstein and Annie are being married. President Frankenstein will make the country a better place. He has already started many reforms. Thomasina Paine is appointed Minister of Domestic Security. Frankenstein has also abolished the Race, too. Junior wants the race to continue. He talks about how Americans love the race. Frankenstein runs over him and drives off. Harold, bad Howard Cosell impersonator, intones over the end credits of the history of violence.