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Don't Open Till Christmas (1984)


Edmund Purdom is Inspector Ian Harris
Alan Lake is Giles
Belinda Mayne is Kate Briosky
Mark Jones is Detective Sergeant Powell

What the DVD says:

A deranged killer is stalking the streets of London murdering people dressed as Santa Claus, in a number of gruesome ways. An inspector from Scotland Yard vows to solve the case before any other Santas are found brutally murdered. Working on some leads brought to him by a reporter, the inspector desperately tries to track down the pyschopathic killer.


At a disco party, a guy gets ready to appear as Santa unfortonuately, he gets murdered in front of everyone. The police question his daughter, Kate.

The killer roams around London wiping out Santas invarious ways including 357ing one.

Later at a photo shoot, a barely Santa-clad model barely escapes the killer. The police start sending out Santa clad cops that unfortunately get de-clauded.

Kate is still searching for any info on the killer nad discoveres that the investigating sgt is visiting a asylum every few weeks.

At the nearby mall, the Santa gets de-santa-tified.

Kate is hassled by local crazy guy and learns that the sgt is his brother. Well, he stabs her.

The poilice find Kate and search for the killer who has imprisoned his only witness. She gets away while being chased, he falls off a stairwell to his death.

Flashback to Christmas party, Ian, a kid, is by the Christmas tree. Giles, brother, finds dear dad dressed as Santa stuffing some chimney which presently warps him... Present time, Ian finds a mailed present. Opening it to find music box that explodes.

What I say:

The late 1970s and early 1980s had a small B-movie sub-genre that didn't last too long. The "Don't!" movies Don't Answer the Phone!, Don't Look in the Basement, Don't Go in the House, Don't Look Down, Don't Mess With My Sister, etc.. One of the problems was it wasn't very hard to run out of titles. This may have been one of the smaller sets of titles that could run names quicker than the random combinations of Mega, Shark, Dino, Crocs, Octo, etc...Well, Don't Mess with my Dino Shark in the Basement with the Mega Croc-octopus Versus Volcano still has a fairly nice ring to it.

Caroline Munro from Captain Kronos Vampire Hunter unfortunately was barely in this movie.

I was thinking of the movies with Santa going after everyone his naughty list... One would be surprised by the number of times Santa has quite a few naughty or just flat out terribly mind-numbing movies: Bad Santa, Silent Night, Bloody Night, Silent Night, Deadly Night, Silent Night, Deadly Night: Part 2, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 3:Better Watch Out, Silent Night, Deadly Night: 4 Initiation, and Silent Night, Deadly Night: 5 Toy Maker. If crooked or psychotic aren't enough for you, don't forgetSanta Claus: the Movie or Santa Claus Conquers the Martians.

This movie does have a fairly high body count for a movie like this. If you want to see a movie that definitely goes after Santas like teen-camp counselors, here's your Santa sack of santa-fication. Jumping to any conclusion with a story that has less continuity than a Mirror-Universe in the Star Trek Universe is a very hard thing to grasp.


Quotable Dialogue

"Go on, get away, clear off!!!"
"Only 3 more killing days to Cristmas..."
"I'm bloody furious!!!"
"What do you expect 'Flashdance'?"

Morals of the Story

The Village People were extremely prevalent in the mid-1980s.
Human blood is the color and viscosity of bright red paint.
Drunk punks like to chase and steal bicycling Santas.
Santas should be declared an endangered species in London.
Crossing your fingers automatically justifies your ability to lie.

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