Dirty Ho (1979)

Cast:

Gordon "Master Killer" Liu is Wang Tsun Hsin - 11th prince
Wong Yue is 'Dirty' Ho Jen
Hui Ying Hung is Fan Chin-Kong
Lo Mieh is General Liang

What the box says:

Gordon Liu teams up with Wong Yue as the 11th son of the Chinese Emperor, who whilst travelling incognito to the palace is first thwarted then helped by this roguish vagabond, Ho. Beset by tricksters, waylaid by would-be assassins and ambushed by lethal Mongolian archers, their relationship grows amidst a welter of comic set-pieces, stunning fight scenes and some of the finest martial arts choreography ever to grace the Jade Screen. A kung fu landmark, not to be missed!

Plot:

Wang and Ho are fighting goons while the credits play.

At a bar a wild party is going on. Wang is giving away gold to the girls.

Everybody have fun tonight...Everybody Wang Chung tonight!! Ho starts to give away money to bring the girls to him. Well, Wang brings the girls back to him by giving away jewelry and gems. Ho starts to fight with Wang. Cops arrive. Apparently a jewelry case was stolen. Wang shows a certificate of ownership for his things. He offers to hold Ho’s stuff and asks the police to take the drunken Ho home so he’s not robbed.

The next day, Ho starts hunting for Wang who stalls about returning the jewels. Suddenly, a group of beggars want the jewels back from Ho. Wang sits back watching as Ho fights through the guys who have been disguised as beggars: blind man, one-legged man, fake Siamese twins. Ho is able to end the battle with stool fu. The cops show up and drag the beggars and Ho away. Wang tells the cops to release Ho in a few hours.

That night, Ho finds Wang again. Wang has a woman bodyguard, Troy Hung.

He has a shaved head and her carrying a ukele. Together, they fight crime!!! Wang is able to move her to act like she’s defending him from Ho. The cops arrive again. Wang claims that Ho is his friend and there’s nothing wrong.

Ho has a head wound. The doctor finds his wound was poisoned. The antidote needs to be found.

Ho starts looking for the bodyguard chick and finds Wang. He’ll fix the antidote if Ho will train under him and become his disciple.

The prince wants Wang eliminated. He’ll have to trapped by his love of antiques and wines.

Ho starts his training.

At a wine tasting, Wang starts a fan fight. Gymnastic wine serving. Wang lets Ho leave the tasting. Wang realizes it was a trap and handles the wine guys.

The prince is disappointed. The new plan is to catch Wang with antiques.

Antiques owner, Chu, greets Wang. Let the antique inspection ensue. Gymnastic antique inspection ensues. Wang does his kung fuin’. Chu tries to attack Wang with bladed shoes. Ho realizes that Wang is a kung fu master. Wang reveals he is actually Prince 11. Chu was ordered to kill him by one of the brothers. Wang gets wounded and carried off by Ho.

The prince is briefed on Wang’s bodyguard.

I will not check out your crib.

Doctor patches Wang who won’t be too steady on his feet for a few months. The doctor explains how the emperor has 14 sons and how they’re fighting to be the heir. Wang allows Ho to leave. However, Ho refuses to leave and will stay to be trained. The training montage ensues.

Doctor talking to everyone to recruit men to capture Wang.

Ho is still training.

The goons show up and claim to be looking for Ho. The goons let Ho fight some of the deformed evil goons like Sufferer, a guy who just lets everyone punch him and doesn’t fight back. Big Face and even a dude with a tea pot. The tea makes Ho more cooperative and talk like a woman. However, he still resists.

Wang has Ho deliver money drafts. Ho kung fues the goons.

In the morning, soldiers storm the house and find there is no one there.

The prince wants to make sure that Wang doesn’t get into the palace.

Ho is still training. Wang has a plan and requires a walking stick, a cart, and wax paper umbrellas?

On the road, Ho wheels Wang around. Archers attack. Wang is pretty adept in his wheelchair. Take goon along who is immediately sniped with spears afterwards.

Outside Beijing, they have to get past the city guards.

The numerous princes wonder about Wang, brother 11.

I'll only use my index finger to layeth the smack down on you. Ho and Wang are blocked by General Le-an Le Ching and a couple of other guys. The fight is on. Wang and Ho versus General.

Wang reaches the court before the king holds court.

What I say:

Who needs a plot with the greatest movie title of all time? Ok, one of the greatest titles of all time. Much like I had to buy Evil Dead 2, I had to buy Dirty Ho if only to see the that it would not live up to its title. Well, it doesn't live up to its title according to those with perverted minds. I'm sure this review will be pulled on a quite a few web searches sooner or later. Keyword Search. This is an old school kung fu movie. Old school Shaw Brothers in fact.

Yes, Virginia, Kung Fu comedies existed before Jackie Chan or before Stephen Chow's Shaolin Soccer or Kung Fu Hustle. Before pre-wire fu, comedic martial arts. Finally, I've gotten around to a Shaw Brothers movie. Been told I was missing something, and they were right.

I don't want to start rambling about ninja or Brucesploitation movies. Many of the martial arts movies even that aren't the comedic style of say Jackie Chan's Druken Monkey like Deadly China Hero and Dragon's Infernal Showdown still can have some humor. More importantly, they don't have half hour flashbacks in the desert. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, I'm looking at you...

Many movies have the typical buddy movies. We've seen that in many 1980s cop movies. Here, Ho does everything in his power to torment Wang throughout the movie but still wants him around. More commonly in Kung Fu movies, we have something more of the Karate Kid style movie. The wizened master who teaches the angry student who by the end doesn't realize he has become a master, too.

Explaining comedy pretty much kills it. The same thing can be said for martial arts. Going into perfect detail about what type of kick or punch takes away from the movie. Why read a blow by blow description when you can hunt it down and watch some True Old school sweet kung fu?

Quotable Dialogue
"You can punish me if you want."
"How does a blind man read palms?"
"How come you've got 2 arms?"
"Beat him up?"
"Shut up you, bunch of turkeys!"
"Mr. Wang, you hold your drinks well."
"Shoes with blades?"
"Master if I keep this up, I'll be like a roast pig."
Morals of the Story
Backflips are common in fights.
Swords can easily handle arrows.
Cold air can sober a man in 7 seconds.
Best wines are made from snakes: cobras and pythons.
Antiques are invunerable.
Umbrellas can stop arrows.
Royalty are named in order of birth such as Brother 11.