We are in the middle of a jungle. A bus is driving down the road.
We are given the warning sign of mismatching titles....They took off the "U. S." The little kitty graphic does seem to make this a hard action flick...
It is hijacked. Take the riders' valuables. Force the driver down a side road. All of the robbers are chuckling. They shoot the bus in the engine. It won't be going anywhere.
A truck is pulling up a jungle compound. We can tell its compound because of the watchtower. Guys are mulling around. The shaven head eye patched dude seems to be in charge. He'll be Mitch for now. He is checking on the stuff brought into the camp. Guns would be a big surprise to everybody. The seller will give them the guns if they do somebody a favor.
In the city, Sam and Max are coming back or going to a baseball game. I should mention never hear the name of Sam's friend. Just gave him Max for a name. Back to the movie. A van is carrying a radioactive cat. A radioactive cat, wonder where this will be heading... The drivers pull over in an alley. 2 guys in denim jackets need drugs. They get the bright idea of stealing the government van. It's easy to tell if it's a government van. Those are the only vans with radiation symbols on the side. The gang members don't believe the cargo is a cat. Good for us, they don't know it's a radioactive cat.
Sam and Max pass the alley and see what’s going on. They realize the van is being robbed. They beat the gang members. In the fight, Sam is scratched by the cat. How hard is it to not make a Ted Nugent "Cat Scratch Fever" joke? Then, they go along on their way.
Some parade is going on in the street. It looks like some big neighborhood wedding celebration. Large Bald Guy, LBG, who happens to be the wrestler from Catman in Boxer's Blow, kidnaps a girl.
A priest is placing flowers on headstones in a cemetery. A Russian guy talks to the priest, Cheever. They are planning to create a new country. Thailand will only be the first step. They are going to manipulate some general. First they get the people on their side then take the country.
Some military guys are interrogating some guy. Apparently, Hugh, who is dumpy and not a great fighter, is present. He needs to talk with General Shin-Ma.
At the jungle compound, they discuss the need to free Ricky, the guy who was caught and imprisoned in the previous scene.
Military guys find a dead body. Some people are shot.
Some high-up agent is briefing Gus. His mission is to investigate Cheever. They know he is tied to the KGB.
Mitch is interrogating General Shin-Ma.
The movie now jumps to a biker. This biker can jump cattle and causes jeep accidents. Drives through the local marketplace. She gets off the bike and checks into a hotel. In a bar to eat, LBG wants to question her. She refuses. Kung Fuin' ensues. LBG leaves. It seems everyone in the movie calls her a young man. I can only hope this is a mistake. The biker has a definite female voice. (Note Biker is discovered to be a girl later.) I can't go along with all the "young mans” directed towards Biker.
In a dark room, the TV is turned to the women's pelvic thrust channel like Master Roshi on Dragonball Z. It is Sam's room. He wakens pondering what has happened to him. Turns the TV off. The TV turns itself on again. Sam realizes he is doing it starts changing the channels. The next day, he tells Max about his powers and the cat scratch. Sam is going to give a demonstration. Stares at Max's cigarette until it lights, Sam has heat vision like Superman. Sam also has superhuman strength.
Motel/bar, some guys are drinking. Biker drives in because a motorbike can go anywhere a man can go...The guy who wrecked his jeep recognizes Biker. He goes to Biker's room and demands money for the jeep. LBG and a friend are on the roof of the second story right outside Biker's room. Biker doesn't have the money. They fight. LBG is going to kill Biker. But, LBG and his friend fall off the roof.
In one of the stranger scenes, a girl that hangs around the motel hits on biker. It seems like she doesn't take no for an answer. But, we never learn if she discovers Biker's secret.
The girl that was kidnapped earlier, I dub her Kate, is tied up. Mitch frees her. He wants first use of her. Nonconsensual bumpin' uglies is implied...
A van is driving down the road. The denim gang is in the van. Max comes up to them and is unrecognized. It looks like the gang us trying to sell a briefcase to somebody. They chase Max and shoot at him. It doesn't look good for our plucky sidekick until Sam; I mean Cat-Man shows up on the scene. We see the infamous Cat-Man bullet deflecting trick. The denim gang tries to fight Cat-Man. Not good against a man with the strength of a cat. Use an explosive to escape. Cat-Man and Max will use the Cat Computer to learn about the explosive. He's got a Cat Computer? I thought it was strange that Santo had a lab. This guy has had superpowers for a day and has a Cat Computer. Does he have a Catmobile? Catarang? These questions keep us up at night.
I'm CAT-MAN, quit laughing at me!!!
General Shin-Ma is tied up. Mitch's gang wants some secret documents. Learn Mitch and his group is members of Cheever's church. Beat the General some more...
Biker is on a hill. A pickup arrives at a meeting. Going to take the weapons to headquarters. Biker shows up and rides up to these guys. Biker kicks some of them and rides away. Of course, they take after Biker. It looks like a chase where speeds may attain 15 miles per hour. Biker turns the bike around and drives with a foot to handle the shotgun. The Biker is a lot better shot than the guys in hot pursuit. Biker has to leave the bike shot in the arm. The chase is now on foot. Some old guy starts tossing Molotov cocktails. Still some bad guys left. Another Molotov strike. Old guy grabs Biker...
Gus finds the jungle compound but is seized at gunpoint. Gus disarms the guy. The fight breaks out at this point. Mitch stops the fight.
Around a church, Sam and Max think the Cheever Church is involved. They find out where some of the members hang out.
Mitch is torturing Gus who refuses to talk. Mitch talks about how tough he is. Learns the weapons were lost.
Back at the motel/bar, Mitch and his men show up to find the Biker. Biker dropped a duffle bag in the road. Biker isn't there who would have thought that. Mitch finally reveals that Biker is a girl. Never learn how he discovers this fact. Beat the manager...
Biker awakens. She's angry that Franco has found out. Well, she starts to eat. A couple comes in and brings Jack, better known as the beaten motel/bar manager.
Kate tells the General and Gus to talk. Gus mocks her. Kate tells how she was kidnapped and forced to do unspeakable things. She convinces Gus to escape. Kate lets Gus loose. He sneaks out of the compound, killing a couple of guards, etc...No big deal about that. Gus runs into a guy looking for the General. They fight. Comedic guy convinces them to stop long enough to explain they're on the same side. Big happy killing bad guy family...
At the jungle compound, Mitch is deciding what to do with the General for the escape of Gus. Too bad he doesn't realize a guy tied up would have to cut loose. Maybe, a woman, named Kate who is very nervous, would be a good suspect. But, Mitch isn't exactly a Sherlock Holmes type. Kills the General then learns he was supposed to keep him alive.
At the Cheever Church, it looks more like a gym/ dance club. Most of the guys are working out. One girl is washing her hair in the middle of the room without any visible faucet or source of running water. Cheever calls them to order with his magic flame shooting walking stick. Cheever is a devil worshipper. The girl that is tied up with chains is supposed to be Cheever's daughter. But, his daughter, I dub her Skankalotta, looks old enough to be his mother. The Cheever ideas for a good life consists of rob, kill, etc... Cheever claims his daughter is unworthy. So the Skankalotta must die. Cheever is about to kill her when Cat-Man strikes.
Symbol of evil ain't it?
Cat fight starts. Between opponents, Cat-Man poses heroically. Hands on his hips laughing like a madman...Max is packing some heat. Cat-Man frees Skankalotta. She uses a knockout gas on Cat-Man and Max. They wake up outside with a message: Don't screw with Cheever.
Mitch accuses weapons seller of having an ulterior motive. He drives off. Something is gonna happen...
Gus and Guy sneak into the compound. The military shows up to demand the surrender of Mitch's men. Shootout starts. Biker starts mowing them down. The military are able to storm the place. Biker keeps killing... Mitch's forces keep withdrawing. Shooting continues. Huts are set on fire. People are running around. Kate manages to shoot LBG who returns the favor. Gus finds Kate who promptly dies. Biker is still going around killing.
Sam is drawing police suspect drawings. He realizes Cheever is being interviewed on television. Cheever has a mass baptism planned of 200,000 people. I somehow think that isn't what he said in the original version. Sam calls and finds out about the program schedule.
Mitch and his crew meet with Franco. Too bad it isn't Franco Nero; kill all of them in less than a minute. Franco has Commander Hugh. They want to trade General Shin-Ma for Hugh. I thought Shin-Ma was killed after Gus escaped from the compound. Franco arrests Archer, one of Mitch's crew. Archer wants Hugh. It turns out it isn't Hugh. Firefight. Biker shows up here to satisfy her thirst for vehicular dealing homicide.
Franco is still looking for Mitch. Mitch is drawing a bead on him, but Franco manages to shoot him dead. Imposter Hugh and Biker return. Archer shoots Comedic Guy. Archer wants a military burial as a last request. Imposter Hugh dies. Franco and Biker leave.
Sam and Max are looking for Cheever's program; Max beats a guy for the location. They split up to find it faster. Sam ducks off screen and now is clad as Cat-Man.
Cheever is meditating. This can't be a program for 200,000 people. It looks like a crummy camp for 10 at most. Cat-Man walks up to him. The denim gang is hiding. Cheever is a pyrokinetic? He starts a fire at Cat-Man's feet. Denim gang opens fire at Cat-Man. Don't realize Max is behind them.
Max is fighting a Denim gang guy.
The Oriental priest is fighting Cat-Man.
Well, Max shoots the Denim gang guy. He shoots Cat-Man's opponent, too.
Cheever grabs a machine gun and chases Cat and Max. It looks like Max is hurt. Cheever is still looking for Cat-Man. Walks right past him. Cat-Man uses his cat symbol on his sunglasses as a throwing star to kill Cheever. Movie ends...