BMX Bandits (1983)

Short Wave

Cast:

David Argue is Whitey
John Ley is Moustache
Nicole "Before the taint of Days of Thunder surrounded me..." Kidman is Judy
Angelo D'Angelo is PJ
James Lugton is Goose

What the box says:

A group of BMX-riding teens get involved in a madcap crime caper.

Plot:

A couple of kids ready their BMX bikes, helmets, etc…The 2 guys race down a hill, stairs, whatever is downhill. Various tricks ensue before they decide to hit the soda shop.

An evil van (according to the movie) has several guys getting their guns and masks ready. The pig masked robbers rush into a bank and rob.

Audiences turned up their snouts at the Deliverance: the MUSICAL The getaway car picks them up.

The police head out on the call.

BMXers are on the road ahead of the robbers. Jumping a hastily designed ramp, shenanigans ensue. A nearby cop threatens to take their bikes away.

PJ and Goose desperately want a BMX track. Tubby is hitting on Judy (AKA Nicole Kidman, For maximum embarrassment and page counts, I’ll be using Nicole instead of Judy). Nicole wants BMX bike. Her 2 friends, PJ and Goose, hit a bunch of shopping carts. Her managers races out and fires her.

At the bike shop, the terrific threesome ponders how to get their bikes fixed and to get one for Nicole.

This one shot must have been what was used to blackmail Nicole into 10 years of marriage...

Robbers hideout, boss gives the robbers their cuts. There is another job planned. Steal a payroll truck and get away. Each robber will have a radio coded to the payroll truck’s frequency. A furniture truck is needed and to get the radios, too.

On the dock, PJ and Goose have a boat. Nicole rides off with them. The guys want to make money in the seafood industry. They get back to the dock as the robbers leave.

Nicole pulls up the lobster pot, actually a box of radios. They motor away.

The robbers instinctively realize the kids have the radios.

PJ, Goose, and Nicole open the box and find the radios. They decide to sell them and use the money for the bikes.

Robbers find the empty box.

Our terrific threesome decides to test the range of the walkie-talkies. PJ is able to get on the police frequency. The cop reports to station about the broadcast. At the station, the police hear the kids talking. The sergeant orders them to turn in the transmitters.

PJ, Goose, and Nicole will sell the walkie-talkies to the kids.

The robbers report to the Boss about the radios. They have to get them back.

The threesome have been selling radios. The robbers are able to follow them. They lose the robbers by going through the creepy graveyard. Somehow, they get locked in the cemetery and decide to split up.

Being chased Nicole falls into a dug grave as the masked men search for her.

PJ and Goose can’t find Nicole. They skulk about. By the way, it is too dark to see what is happening.

Goose falls into Nicole’s grave. He tries putting the movies on her. However, he senses that she craves the touch of PJ. Goose overhears the conversation through a walky-talky.

The cops overhear the conversation, too. They realize the BMX kids are who to search.

Goose and Nicole get out of the grave and are chased by the masked goons. The heroes finally escape the graveyard.

The goons chase after them with the car but lose the kids.

The next day, the goons are still searching. The kids get their bikes fixed.

Nicole Kidman BMX stunt double ensues to the most annoying 80s pop song ever.

PJ and Goose are working on their bikes when the fat kid wants to buy another walky-talky.

The goons overhear the conversation and will get Nicole who is sent to retrieve the radio.

In the shed, she can’t contact PJ. The goons back her in a corner and claim to be cops. They want her to reveal where the radios are. She gets suspicious at this point.

Apparently, the goons can’t afford to bruise her? Nicole turns a radio on so the cops can overhear the goons. Hilarity ensues as house is torn apart and construction site disasters ensue. The police receive the complaints.

PJ and Goose realize Nicole is trouble. BMX’n ensues and komedy at the Fat Kid’s expense as he chases after them.

The goons are questioning Nicole who tries to make a break for it. She gets to the dock and take a boat out put is pulled in.

PJ and Goose ride to rescue. The goons resemble Kevin Dillion from There’s Something about Mary and Jacko from the 80s Energizer commercials.

The fearsome deadly martial arts duo of Jacko and Kevin Dillion proves not so fearsome... They get knocked into the bay.

The kids get away as the goons drive after them. More BMX’n ensues. At a waterpark, they slide down waterslides with their bikes. The goons are pushed down the slide by a fat guy in a speedo. UGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH……*pardon the retching*

The kids ride across a football field to avoid the goons. They finally have to go after them on foot and chase them through a mall.

Eventually, the kids hide in a warehouse when the goon’s car rams into it. The chase resumes. The kids are able to get away once more.

BMX’in continues through a construction site. They elude the goons for a brief respite. The kids try to decide whether to return the radios but sold most of them. Should they go to the police?

Boss gives the goons until noon or else to get the radios.

The cops want to find the kids and are able to talk to Fat Kid.

The police sergeant has the terrific threesome brought to him and gives them a good talking to, too. Apparently, they can get a reward if they help catch the goons.

On their way home, the kids decide to catch the goons if the other kids will help them. This will get them a BMX track. However, they need bait.

PJ and Goose have assembled a veritable army of BMXers.

WE can rule the city!!! CAN YOU DIG IT?!?!?!?!?

The kids are unable to find the goons. When Boss grabs Nicole Kidman, she’ll be a hostage to keep PJ and Goose quiet. The Boss drives away.

The kids have the other BMXers to track the car.

Cops start to hear the reports from the kids.

Kids call in the cavalry.

The goons discover the box of radios was empty.

An army of BMXers ride to the rescue.

Nicole is able to get rid of the car keys to keep the goons from getting their guns.

The Australian Horde attacks with flour and nets.

Boss grabs Nicole and escapes in the truck. PJ and Goose are in hot pursuit…Huuuhh Cooooo-Coooo-CCCCCooooo….

The Boss rages against Australia and meddlesome biking kids.

PJ and Goose get on the delivery truck. Boss tries to knock them off.

Our heroes cover the windshield. The truck crashes into a foam truck tanker.

The cops arrive as foam spews over everyone.

The BMX track is open. Bikers rejoice as bad 80s pop assaults us.

The credits begin to roll and the lawsuit terrified producers include the "don’t try the stunts in this movie".

What I say:

The quest for movies not reviewed by other sites can be challenge. I've tried looking for information and other reviews of this movie. Apparently, one of the definitive reviews is a German review of the DVD. Found a couple more from what would be considered Non-B-Movie sites. So very few reviewers have touched it. An early 80s movie about BMX bikes with a legitimate movie star in it. Nicole Kidman in her first starring role before anything to do with the insane Tom Cruise. It is also one of the kids or teen comedies where they foil crooks. Well, BMX Bandits is in that vein of movies of the Dirt Bike Kid without a Peter Billingsley that seemed to have disappeared into token realm of direct to video stores.

Remember in most action movies with a chase will feature jumping cars, ramps, etc...Every episode of the Dukes of Hazzard had that happen. I never wondered why there was always a convient ramp at that time. If you imagine it done with bikes, that is most of BMX-Bandits. At least, movies from the early 80s couldn't have any lame computer graphics. So each of the BMX tricks were staged by stunt people or skilled BMX experts.

Today, they're don't seem to be many of the fad movies. I'm sure that You Got Served will be brought up for the fad-acknowledgists of the 00s. In the 80s, skateboarding, break-dancing, and Nintendo (Wizard) are just a small sampling of fad movies. It is even more surprising is that those fad movies from the 80s saw theatrical releases for Breakin' among others. Today, 3 or 4 fad movies like the few extreme sport movies made will get a theatrical release. With as many multiplexes, the number of screens in the US has to have multiplied incredibly over the single or double screens in the smaller towns. Though getting any kind of low budget into mainstream distribution now is this side of impossible.

I have mentioned in Pocket Ninjas about kid comedies. While the aforementioned movie had the same training scene used 4 times, BMX Bandits had a lot of BMX scenes that were different. With as many times could kids find a hastily constructed ramp to jump something is mind-boggling, it didn't seem stale. The shots of the construction site where the car is destroyed and the house is pulled apart don't really belong in the movie. I would guess the shots were taken and just thrown in to give the movie a bigger feel. A number of movies film when a building is blown up and incorporate it into the movie like the beginning of Lethal Weapon 3.

Could this movie be considered science fiction since Nicole Kidman hangs around with 2 geeky, BMX-obsessed guys? Even some of the hard sci-fi fans would have a hard denying the truth of the previous statement. The physics that seem to get every kid able to almost fly their BMX bike have to be entireley different from what could occur in the real world. I won't be resonsible for anyone trying to slide down a water slide with their BMX bike.

Childhood colors our experiences. I'm sure had I seen this movie as a kid it would be up their with Beastmaster or the Last Starfighter well maybe not thathigh. However, it would be one of the "cool" movies on satellite. With as many times I watched the Roger Moore 007 and Superman 2 & 3 movies I watched in the early 80s, I'm not sure how credible I am now about "cool" movie of the early 80s....

This was one of Nicole Kidman's first starring roles. I can't hold her lack of experience against her. Well, Pia Zadora had Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. In Nicole's defense, BMX Bandits won't be remembered as such a bad movie like the aforementioned Santa movie was one of the great MST3K because of the "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas" song.

The chase through the graveyard was probably the worst part of the movie. Most of the scenes are so dark to confuse what is going on. BMX Bandits for the most part is the inane movie they don't make anymore having moved on to incredibly lame PG-13 horror movies with such large casts of disposable early 20-somethings that are interchangeable.

For the most part,I know I'm not written much about this movie. Some movies offer far more inspiration than others. At least, this isn't another of the Poverty Row horror movies from the 1940s. BMX Bandits doesn't really have much to offer than the time capsule of an 80s fad movie and the teenage Nicole Kidman. My reviews aren't always going to be in insanely large Battlefield Earth ramblings.

If something in a movie bothers me, I'm not ashamed to ramble on it pointlessly for too long. Most of the time, I recognize other reviewers including myself seem to try to tear movies apart rather than talk about how their individual parts succeed. Mean-spirited humor is not the same as humor at something. You can laugh at your friends without being malicious about it. The insanity and inanity of a movie can be acknowledged without the IMDB message board mentality..."WuR5+ m0V13 3VER " Allow me to get off the soapbox, before I'm pushed off of it...

Quotable Dialogue
"This is thirsty work."
"You're staring death in the face."
"It doesn't get X-Rated until I was 12."
"You can understand how she feels. It's full of dead people."
"Who wants to be nice? I want to be sexy."
"There's a shark coming."
"I won't kill them. I'll just knock them over."
Morals of the Story
Guys wearing pig masks must unnecessarily squeal.
Priests love being between mannequinns legs.
Masked men drive around undisturbed.
Crooks know where every shed in a major city is.
Undercover cops don't have badges and threaten teenage girls.
Stealing ice cream from fat kids is funny.