Side Order of Ninjas

   Index  -  Reviews  -  Rants  -  Links
Latest Reviews

Top 5 Reviews



The Blob (1988)


Cast:

Kevin "I'm not Matt Dillion" Dillon is Brian Flagg
Shawnee "" Smith is Meg Penny
Donovan Leitch is Paul Taylor
Jeffrey DeMunn is Sheriff Herb Geller
Candy Clark is Fran Hewitt
Joe Seneca is Dr. Meddows


What the IMDB says:

Remake of the 1958 horror sci-fi about a deadly blob which is the spawn of a secret government germ warfare project which consumes everyone in its path. Teenagers try in vain to warn the townsfolk, who refuse to take them seriously, while government agents try to cover up the evidence and confine the creature.


Plot:

At the small town, the town is of course concerned with the great FOOTBALL game. Finally, jock, Paul finally asks Meg, the cheerleader, out.

Elsewhere, Bryan Flagg, the rebel, on his motorcycle tries to jump a bridge. After earning his bike wasnít the General Lee, he crashes it.


You're so rebel, the Fonz would be improved...
Heading back to town, the deputy is watching for Bryan to nail him.

The old guy, who collects cans, spots a meteor crash. Going to investigate it, he winds up with the gelatinous goo on his arm.

Meg readies for her date with Paul. The shenanigans about her little brother trying to sneak off to the horror movie ensues.

Bryan is working on his bike when the old guy runs up to him. He runs into the road and almost gets hit by Paulís car. Paul, Meg, and Bryan take the old guy to the hospital. While filling out the typical health care paperwork, Bryan leaves. Paul checks on the guy who is consumed by the Blob.


Help me!!Help me! Even if I'm not a fly with a human head..Help me!!
Calling the sheriff, Paul gets digested next.

Afterwards, at the massacre at the hospital, Deputy ďFifeĒ is sure that Bryan did it.

At the make-out point, a couple is there to enjoy each otherís ďcompany.Ē Somehow, Blob chow is made of the couple.

Megís parents are convinced sheís in shock talking about goo digesting Paul. She sneaks out to investigate. Meanwhile, the Blob glides into the sewer.

At the sheriffís office, the cops donít believe Bryanís statement. Deputy ďFifeĒ canít believe the sheriff will release Bryan just because of a lack of evidence, etcÖ

Meg finally catches up with Bryan. At the local diner, he starts to listen to her story. In the kitchen, the cook tries to unclog the sink which leads to him being pulled through the drain by the Blob. Bryan and Meg run for the freezer and the Blob retreats.


What do you mean I'll star in a series of movies called Saw?
Fran, the waitress heads for the pay phone but becomes Blob-chow.

See what happens when somebody doesn't listen to and anti-authority teen in a monster movie..
Bryan and Meg leave the diner.

Later, the local preacher spots the Blob and heads into the diner and takes a sample of it.

Bryan and Meg start looking for the police and canít find any of them. They do however run into the bio-weapon division. Dr Meddows claims that a meteor crash carried a germ that killed off the dinosaurs and is convinced this meteor crash could be just as dangerous for humanity.


Dr., are you sure this will protect us from every chili-eating contest?

Cut to the movie theater, where Kevin, Megís little brother, and Eddie, friend, snuck into. Soon, the projectionist gets lunched.

The bio unit put Bryan and Meg into a van. Letís say, Bryan isnít very trustworthy and extremely suspicious. He breaks out, but Meg stays because of the family is in town.

At town, the bio people are herding everyone up when the Blob starts enjoying a theater full of people. Meg heads off to find Kevin.


I can't be in TV series with Ted Danson....NOOOOOOOO!!!
She finds him and Eddie. They retreat to the sewer to avoid the Blob.

Who knew being chased in sewers could be so much fun?

Bryan hears the bio unitís plans and sees the ďmeteorĒ which looks strangely like a US satellite. Apparently, Dr. Meddows created the germ and placed it in the satellite where it evolved. The bio people spot Bryan and chase him. Thankfully, he is able to jump the downed bridge this time and heads for the sewer system.

Bio unit has the brilliant idea to block off key points of the sewer system to trap the Blob. Back in the sewer, the Blob finally gets Eddie. Meg gets Kevin through a drain. However, sheís still trapped when Bryan rides her off. They run into one of the bio guys still alive. Heading for a manhole, Meddows has them trapped down in the sewer. Letís say angering a Kevin Dillon with a rocket launcher isnít a good idea.

Bryan, Meg, the other guy climb up on the street where a Mexican standoff ensues. Meddows wants Bryan taken out fast. However, the Blob gets Meddows. The colonel of the bio weapons decides skragging the Blob would be a pretty good idea. The shots, explosions, etc donít do anything but anger the giant pile of goo. Let the townsfolk run around panicking.

In the firefight, the preacher gets bad burns. Meg realizes the Blob canít stand the cold. Bryan runs off to the garage where a snowmaking truck is being repaired. As most of the town is barricaded, Bryan starts to snow the Blob.


Meg rushes to help Bryan. She manages to blow the truck which freezes the Blob. The town gets the Blob to the local icehouse.

Months later, the disfigured preacher is at a revival going full fire and brimstone. He still has the little Blob sample in the jar.


What I say:

< a href="http://www.badmovies.org/movies/terrorbsea/monstermayhem.html" target="new">

Back to the grind of the roundtable which isn't a grind. It helps get more of us movie-reviewers to unite their hamster-wheels of geniusness into more genius-riffic roundtables. And for October, the month of Halloween, what would be more acceptable than a roundtable about monsters? October is typically though of vampires, werewolves, and zombies for monster-horror movies.

The original Blob took a while to circle around before most people sort of found the charm of a growing pile killer goo. Afterwards, what kind of monster is more terrifying than the thought of a plasmic pile of goo that continually grows on feasting on a certain group of screaming bipedal beings from the 3rd planet of the Sol system? The late 60s saw the sci-fi opus, the Green Slime. When a Japanese director directs an Italian cheezy sci-fi movie set in the future when piles of killer alien slime attack a space station with a captain that would make Captain Kirk tell the guy to cut down on the over-acting. The early 1970s saw the Blob's sequel, Son of the Blob be released. The mid-1980s had the Stuff, the most evil dessert movie ever made.

I'm trying to not do much of the compare and contrast between the 1958 version with Steven McQueen and Andy Griffith's girlfriend, Ms. Helen Crump. The 1958 Blob had for the most part a townful of teenagers that weren't disrepectful. 1988 had the Kevin Dillion looking almost like Marlon Brando from theWild Ones with his motorcycle and rebel attitude. We pretty much have the 1980s version of the 1950s monster movie. In fact it is surprising to include so many not quite "in-jokes" to the original movie. Meg's dad is still a pharmacist though this time one of the 80s bad dating jokes had to be used. The diner is used in the middle rather than the end of the movie.

Today, we're assaulted with so many lame CG monsters to a sickening point. The 1980s started really memorably adapting 1950s sci-fi movies getting remade as more horror-centered and like Thing From Another World getting the John Carpenter though Rob Bottin effectedThing and the Fly getting the Croneberg-treatment with Fly. Name the last non-CG monster in Sci-Fi channel movies? Even the rare low-budget CG monsters that aren't too bad are still going to be more laughable than the mid 1960s Godzilla suits. However, back in the day (when "back in the day" has become the 1980s, age seems to have set in when I remember the killer-gelatin Blob poster hanging in the video department of the grocery store...), the monster had to be done with physical special effects warms some intestines.

This is one of the few movies horror movies where anyone can die besides a few that have the automatic necessary must decease like the old guy who finds the Blob. For any monster to get a kid in the 1980s was pretty extreme even for horror movies. Jason from Friday the 13th movies wasn't bothered by kids as he was for the teenagers. Freddy Kreuger was already done with kids since his burning and chasing the teens (though technically, one could dispute, he was after the kids of the parents who lynched him...)

Shawnee Smith used to pop up in quite a few movies from Stephen King's: The Stand, Who's Harry Crumb? to even the Saw movies. Well, this is one of her her early movies, though with not quite as much gore as the chainsaw massacre class scene from Summer School. She still lacking in Scream Queen proefficiency she still runs around yelling hysterically.

Kevin Dillon is our leather jacketed-rebel without a cause but with a motorcycle. He doesn't gather a group to help him stop the Blob because lets face it he lacks the coolness of Steve McQueen. That much coolness is a scientific impossibility for most people. Remember the old movies where punks were teens who looked like they came from the wrong-side of the tracks and adults looked down on them?

If asked who directed Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors, the Mask which introduced Jim Carrey and far more watchable Cameron Diaz, Arnold Schwarzenegger's Eraser, and unfortunately ending with the Scorpion King. Most people would remember the names of those movies but unfortunately not Chuck Russell, the director for those movies. Strangely enough, that wouldn't be the only recognizeable character behind the scenes. Strangely, for the screenplay writer to be known more his later directing stock of work. Yes, Frank Darabont may have wrote the screenplay of the Blob even if most seem to be adaptions of Stephen King writings: Shawshank Redemption, Green Mile, and the Mist.



3 1/2 NINJAS

Quotable Dialogue

"No more juvey hall."
"Kevin, don't eat with your face."
"Well, this guy in a hockey mask, he chops up a few teenagers...but don't worry, there's no sex or anything bad."
"Scott Jeski is gonna die."
"Take it easy, old dude. These guys are gonna fix you right up."
"The thing on that man's hand killed him and then it killed Paul, and whatever it is, it's getting bigger! "
"I killed the strawberry jam."
"Chew on that, slimeball!"


Morals of the Story

Concussions lead to dating cheerleaders.
High school jocks have mini bars in their car trunks.
Football players commonly walk around with mixers.
Kitchen sink drains are meant for human exits headfirst.
Glass is prison.
Talking aloud in a movie theater will lead to a cytoplasmic monster consuming you.
White is the proper fashion color in sewers.
The world needs more cheerleaders carrying satchel charges adn M-16s.


 -  Index  -  Reviews  -  Rants  -  Links