Plot:
Egg Shen, a tour bus driver, is being questioned about Jack Burton by Deep Throat the attorney who is considering taking his case.
In the Pork Chop Express, Jack Burton extols his philosophy over the CB. He heads into San Francisco’s Chinatown. After some
gambling, his friend Wang ends up owing him a couple thousand dollars.
They head to the airport. Wang is going to pick up his fiancée, Miao Yin. Jack Burton puts the moves on Kim Catrall, the squeeze
of Crow T. Robot. The Lords of Death street gang arrives.
Wearing my glasses, I'm tough as Jet Li
As Wang heads to greet Miao, the gang goes after another Chinese girl. However, the ever cocky, swaggering Jack Burton comes to
her aid.
In the commotion, the gang takes off with Miao Yin. Wang and Jack Burton lose them and decide to go to the gang’s hideout.
Egg Shen is doing his touring spiel and almost gets run over by Jack’s truck. Jack and Wang head down an alley.
They see the Chang Sings have a funeral procession for their leader when the evil gang interrupts it. Let the gunfight ensue. The
gunfight and Kung fu throw-down is imminent when the 3 Giant Hatted Guys materialize. These guys are bulletproof and can throw Force
lightning at both gangs.
The Emperor can't compete with my mad lightning thrown skillz.
Jack Burton decides the discretion is the better part of valor by driving away. However, he runs over Lo Pan who shoots light of his
mouth to blind Jack. Wang gets his buddy away almost into the arms of the Lords of Death before hiding.
Later, at Wang’s restaurant, Jack tries to call his insurance company about his missing truck. He learns that the Lords of death stole
his truck. They also took Miao Yin instead of their real target. Kim Catrall shows up.
Apparently, she has learned the Lords of Death are going to sell Miao Yin to the White Tigers. Wang is going to need Jack Burton’s
help.
The plan is for Jack Burton to be dressed up like a nerdy accountant and be a distraction in the house of ill repute. Suddenly, an
earthquake rocks the area and the 3 Storms, hated guys fly in. Jack Burton can’t deliver his patent pending beat-down on any of
them. Lightning takes Miao Yin away.
Back at Kim Catrall’s, Jack is pretty perturbed because everyone else knows a lot more about what is going on. Kim has Tara, the
girl from the airport. Jack wants the truth. Apparently, no one of the others decide he can handle the truth. Wang is going to rescue
Miao, and Jack will go with him.
Wang and Jack manage to sneak their way past the security guards in Lo Pan’s headquarters. They take an elevator into the
sub-basement.
Meanwhile, Egg Shen, Eddie, and Kim Catrall must prepare. Magic is discussed and that Lo Pan is a monster is mentioned.
Wang and Jack escape the elevator and are caught by the 3 Storms. Let the torture ensue. They are tied to wheelchairs when the
ancient Lo Pan wheels in. He wants Jack to get Wang to talk. Lo Pan needs a green eyed girl to regain his youth.
Margo, Eddie, and Kim Catrall try to get past the security guards. They are gassed and taken away by Lo Pan’s men.
Jack is able to free Wang and himself. Wang explains the ancient Lo Pan is the same man as the one Jack ran over and about
Chinese magic. A goon brings Eddie in. They get the drop on the guy until he starts hulking up or bloating like a puffer fish. Our heroes
head to free the girls. .
Lo Pan morphs into his powerful Chinese wizard form.
Rawrrrrrrrrrr, didn't mean to scare you that bad...
Let the Kung Fuin’ ensue. Jack, Eddie, and Wang go to rescue the girls and more Kung Fuin’ ensues. They free all the
women. Leading them through a tunnel, they all have to swim to safety. After getting almost to safety, Kim Catrall is grabbed. Egg
Shen is able to drive everyone to safety.
A monster carries Kim Catrall back to the lair. Ancient Lo Pan sees her green eyes and is very pleased.
Egg brings the Ching Sins in for help. Jack heads off with them.
Kim Catrall is taken to a floating Miao Yin. Wizard Lo Pan pays a visit. He must marry a girl with green eyes: Miao or her.
The posse stops by Egg’s place and takes one of the secret tunnels under Chinatown.
Lo Pan has his goons performing katas before testing his potential brides. The girls are tested by grabbing a katata and flying to
the ceiling of the room and grabbing a dagger that glows. Lo Pan is pleased when both pass. He’ll marry both of them.
In the tunnel, a giant bug eats one of the Ching Sins.
Back in their room, Kim Catrall can’t awaken Miao.
Egg Shen explains how Lo Pan must marry a green eyed girl to break his curse and kill her.
Lo Pan readies for the wedding as the girls are brought to him. He decides to kill Kim Catrall and marry Miao Yin.
The Posse is spotted by a flying head.
This year's fashionable floating head will require a massive eyeball motif..
They keep going. Egg prepares a magic potion for them to drink. They reach the temple as the ceremony begins. Egg has them wait
until Lo Pan is flesh.
Lo Pan starts turning back to flesh when the flying head spots the posse again.
Let the Kung Fuin’ ensues. Battle on with wire fu, sword fu and gymnastics.
Lo Pan still is performing the ceremony with Miao.
Egg Shen versus Lo Pan seeing who has the bigger Schwartz.
Lo Pan escapes with Miao. Jack and Kim Catrall chase after him. By the way, Kim Catrall can no longer resist the inherent
damnmanliness of Jack Burton anymore.
Wang contends with Thunder.
Jack tries offing Lo Pan with his knife to no avail. Lo Pan tosses the knife back at Jack who catches it. This time tossing it directing
into Lo Pan’s forehead is effective. The building begins shaking.
The head goon sees Lo Pan’s corpse and starts hulking up again.
One of the Garbage Pail Kids ideas that was scrapped.
Jack, Wang, Kim, and Miao get out of the area before the goon explodes.
Lightning is chasing them. They get Kim and Miao to safety. Egg Shen helps them get to the next story and drops a statue on
Lightning’s head.
Our heroes find Jack’s truck and haul out of Dodge before the police and fire trucks respond to the destruction of the building.
Wang’s restaurant, Egg is going to take a long vacation. Jack is going to leave Kim Catrall…
Jack Burton is riding the Pork Chop Express on a dark and stormy night. He is on the CB extolling his philosophy. The monster is
on the tail end of his truck.
