Adventures of Young Van Helsing: Quest for the Lost Scepter (2004)

Cast:

Keith Jordan is Michael Harris / Michael Van Helsing
Johnny Alonzo is Karl Andrews
Joy Griffin is Mary Ellen
Ned Narang is Professor Arad
Rabiah Elaawar is Estabon
Tomm Bauer is Danny Morgan
Joe Zaso is Simon Magus

What the box says:

As if everyday high school life weren't stressful enough, Michael Harris learns that he is the last heir to Abraham Van Helsing, the legendary monster hunter and relic collector described in Bram Stoker's Dracula. Aided by the whimsical Professor Arad. Michael must track down the legendary scepter of God, a powerful biblical artifact once possessed by his great-grandfather. But Michael is not the only one searching for the Scepter, Simon Magus - the arch-angel that created it is also hot on its trail. Can Michale save the scepter, escape the wrath of Simon Magus and be back in time for his band to play at the Valentine's dance?

Plot:

In 1905, Professor Van Helsing is battling some para-broiled vampire. Helsing’s assistant tosses to his boss the spear which was used to impale the vampire.

Cutting to the present day, at an archeological site, they find something “big”. While excavating it apparently, it isn’t dead. The thing grabs one of the assistants. It is the burnt vampire. The professor and his assistant rush out and only find a crater.

Cut to high school, Michael Harris and his “funny” friend, Danny, are in their chemistry class. Let the lab shenanigans ensue between Harris and the Jock that looks like a more gawkward Matthew Lillard. After class, Jock and his posse beat up Harris more.

Do it, hit him again, Johnny!!
This requires my Karate Kid reference for the month

In London, Professor Wigged Out Hair and his assistant start to track down Harris. They get a few things from the Raiders of the Lost Ark warehouse before the Professor heads to the US.

Let the Harris teen garage band ensue until Danny finds a trunk in the garage that look like a strange trunk he found and hid years ago but forgot where it was.

Baldy McVampire appears on the road and attacks a couple.

Not a Bald Biker, but a super-strong fallen angel...
He Vulcan mind melds with the girl to look for Harris.
Nothing is taken out of context in this image...

Professor finds Harris house and talks with his aunt about the plane Michael’s parents death, etc…She seems to be taking a paranoid guy showing up at her door pretty mildly.

Cutting back to 1905, Professor Van Helsing and his little buddy find Excalibur and have to contend with the vampiric Morgan LeFay who just is re-animated?

Present Day, Professor Wigged Out examines the trunk in the garage which is loaded with vampire-slaying equipment.

Never has any vampire slayer had such a puny crossbow...
Harris is shown his family journal and so does Danny who mentions the trunk he buried as a kid which contained the Scepter of God.

Mary Ellen, Jock’s girlfriend, examines some strange ash that Harris found earlier. She goes to Harris’s house to learn more about it. Professor Wigged Out realizes the ash is from Simon Magus (Baldy McVampire is a more logical name) just as Baldy bursts in.

The Visitors are not our Friends...

This requires my V reference for the month

Harris, Danny, Professor, and Mary Ellen escape and drive off. Miles away, Baldy jumps on the back of the car and starts trying to do the Vulcan mind-meld with Danny. Harris crashes the car off the road as Jock passes by which causes him to crash, too. Danny realizes where he buried it.

Baldy attacks Jock. Harris crossbows the vampire away. Danny realizes he buried the trunk nearby and hurriedly starts digging it up. As Baldy has been smacking Harris around and grabs the Scepter, things look bleak. However, Harris is able to impale Baldy while the Professor chants Baldy to death.

At the high school dance, let the teen garage band fu ensue with the power of a name. Yes, the Van Helsings.

Later in London, as the Professor catalogs the scepter, a werewolf gets loose. Looks like he’ll need Michael Van Helsing…

What I say:

Monsters seem to always get the far better acknowledgement than their heroic rivals. Van Helsing does appear in many of the Dracula movies but isn't the greatest required necessity. Not sure if the raise in the MPAA ratings almost requires the hero to be the more focused character in many of the PG-13 movies American Vampire or PG-rated movies. Monster Squad is more kid oriented and hero focused even with one of the biggest pantheons of monsters you could get in any non-Abbott and Costello movie.

This is another of one of the confessions which unfortunately to my Ten of Fans isn't that interesting or racy. I never had got around to watching Stephen Summer's Van Helsing even on the numerous times it pops up on FX. Several of my friends had told that it was definitely sideorderofninjas material.

The DVD lists this movie as being 120 minutes. Thankfully, it is closer to 90 minutes. Does this world needs another teen garage band that sounds like a cross between Nickelback and super-pretentious Creed? However with so much garage band filler songs, playing the same song 2 or 3 times, the movie would be closer to 60 minutes which make some of my recent gorilla movies reviews have less filler material and more to do with the plot.

Bram Stoker being inspired by reality to write Dracula has been done before at least in an episode of Friday the 13th: the Series. Apparently, Professor Abraham Van Helsing besides letting Bram Stoker chronicle the story of Dracula. He also searched around for mystical objects so Van Helsing was the inspiration for Indiana Jones.

Mixing mythologies together has been done numerous times in numerous ways and even some that are interesting. King Arthur's half sister Morgan Le Fay was a vampire? We never learned that in John Boorman's Excalibur or Merlin: the Return. The big budget King Arthur movie from a couple of years ago may have revealed that big secret. If there was another mystical object mentioned, it would have had more mystical objects than the Da Vinci Code.

For a movie with the word "Adventure" in the title, this movie seems to be a bit lacking in the adventure category. Name any genre movie be it: sci-fi, horror, etc from the past 70 years. 90% that movie has more action than Adventure of Young Van Helsing: Quest for the Lost Scepter. Most Disney movies are more action-oriented than this movie.

The high school loser that must overcome obstacles to be the hero is about as old and tired in movies as Dirty Harry's partner who must die so Dirty Harry has someone to go after...All high school movies require the jock and his hot girlfriend to break up. Or did until this movie...By the way, shouldn't the jock in the movie look less like a geek than the guy he mocks?

Yes, the villain gets called vampire all the time by me. It is hard not to when he shows up wants to destroy the world has pointy teeth and is to battle a Van Helsing, well any Van Helsing. Good to know the hero's friend buries the movie's MacGuffin as a child and forgets where he buried it for years until the Vampire's Vulcan mind trick reminded him. He randomly appears bald and scary looking to deep-fried and scary looking. It is good for our vampire can besides reading minds apparently also be a fallen angel like Lucifer.

Quotable Dialogue
"We're dealing with dead people."
Stomp some peanut butter on this jam."
"White boy got issues."
"Keep it zipped!"
"Helsing has a pretty nice ring to it, don't you think?"
Morals of the Story
Professor wear ammo bandoliers.
Science requires beakers of colored liquids.
Spitballs are the most volatile substance in chemistry.
Morgan LeFay was a vampire.
The Vulcan Mind Meld requires bodies to catch fire.
Kiddie plastic shovels aren't biodegrable after 10 years.